What was missing from my life?

We are all on a constant journey to seek more from life. We strive for success in our jobs and we work for the houses and cars we buy, and the families we build in the hope that we will feel good about ourselves and create meaning in our lives. But what is it that we are constantly searching for?

We all yearn for certain things in our lives which some of us are able to voice, but for others it’s something they keep to themselves and many are not even sure of what exactly they are yearning for.  The process of yearning can be a lonely one. Take a social situation for example, someone will say that they would really like a new car and everyone nods in acceptance and starts giving car advice. But in the same situation, if someone would pop up and say that they really want to find self-love for example, people would be shocked and even uncomfotable.

So most of us keep that which we yearn for to ourselves because it’s safer that way and we talk about anything but!  Wanting to find a deeper meaning in life is often judged by others so we land up feeling guilty about the fact that this is what we are actually yearning for. We tell ourselves that we are not allowed to want these things and that we will find fulfilment in the material world, but this is not the case.

Many people don’t even know what they are yearning for and they attribute it to the need for material things, yet even all the riches in the world cannot seem to take the feeling that ‘’something is missing’’, away.

We are taught to be grateful for what we have and to be content in our lives because there are always those who are worse off than we are, but when people say we have so much to be grateful for it’s because they see everything we have on the outside. Our materials, our possessions, our jobs etc. so we always get the message that we have so much, so we should be happy. But then why are we not? Why do we have this on-going feeling that there is something more?

This was my question to myself for as long as I can remember. Even until a few months ago I was asking myself why I am still yearning for something when I have to the most amazing Husband, a loving family, a lovely new house, a great job and the list goes on. After a while I started attributing the fact that I wasn’t happy to anything I could lay my hands on and the people around me and suddenly no one was meeting my needs, not my Husband, not my family, not my friends, and nothing was good enough. Until I realised that I wanted something that I knew no one could give me and no matter how long I searched for it in someone else or something else, I knew I wouldn’t find it there.

So how does our yearning affect our relationships?

We place that which we are yearning for onto other people, its called projection. We place all our needs and wants that are missing in our lives onto everyone else, but don’t you notice how no one actually meets those needs a hundred per cent? And even if they do, it is short lived. Why? Because no one can actually fill that gap or that void within us and it’s not their job to.

We have all at some stage in our lives been in the beginning stages of a relationship where it’s suddenly our mission in life is to meet our partners needs and be the kind of person they need and want us to be, and we  do actually manage do that for each another. We are then happy and in love because now we had found the one, and now we are complete. But one wrong turn, and the other comes tumbling right off the pedestal we placed them on and it’s the end of the world because they are not who we thought they were. But what really happened was that the relationship caved under the pressure of one another’s expectations. This doesn’t just happen at the beginning of a relationship, it can happen in the middle of a marriage where for so long one person was trying to give the other what they need constantly to keep them happy and suddenly they stopped because they no longer had the energy to do it anymore, much to their partners shock. 

This is because no one can actually meet our needs or fill that void no matter how hard they try. In the past when my Husband and I would argue the words ‘’I can never do anything right, or ‘’it’s never good enough for you’’ would come up a lot because we couldn’t seem to fill the other’s needs and what he did was never good enough and what I did was never good enough. Only to realise that it was not our job to do so. Because what I have come to realise is that it is in fact our responsibility to meet our own needs in every way possible.

 So if we are feeling unloved, instead of putting the blame on our partners, families or friends, we need to find a way to give ourselves that love and support we are yearning for. When we are feeling not good enough or insecure, we need to find a way to give ourselves more acceptance, because as I said before, if not the relationships and people around us begin to start cracking under the pressure of our expectations.  It is inevitable that the other will ALWAYS FAIL if it’s up to them to make sure we are loved, supported, and are feeling confident about ourselves.

Whatever we are yearning for and seeking out from other people is actually about ourselves and the need to fill that void within us. Those who yearn for possessions to impress the outside world are actually yearning for acceptance and acknowledgement from those around them. Those who are yearning for love from others are actually yearning for a love they are dying to feel towards themselves. Those who are yearning for connection with others really want to find that connection with themselves that has been lost along the way, or perhaps, never found.

When we understand that our yearning is for a connection with ourselves and to find our own meaning, a shift can take place within all our relationships. It’s truly amazing that when we are able to give to ourselves that which we need at any given time, it opens ourselves up to receive from other people and from our loved ones because now they are giving because they want to, not because we expect it, they are giving love without feeling that they are responsible for us, they are giving without the pressure. And so the flow of love and life can take place.

For a long time I knew that there was something more to my life, more than what the eye could see and that this love, connection and acceptance from others I so badly yearned and searched for was because I felt none of it towards myself. And so I went to bed every night with the feeling like something was missing and I woke up with it every morning until I  realised that it was all up to me to fill the void I was feeling.

So that then meant that I could finally give myself permission to do everything I can for myself, always. And that everything I have always expected people to do for me is what I should finally be doing for myself. But honestly I am still figuring out how to do that, but all I know is that there is enormous relief in knowing that I don't have to wait for other people to make me happy anymore because that was so disempowering and it made me constantly unhappy.

So whether we are conscious of it or not, what we are really yearning for and striving towards everyday, is really just to connect to ourselves, to come back to ourselves.