The roles within our relationships

At the beginning of a relationship a woman and a man come together, and they have ideas of what role a man and woman should play within that relationship. Then they get married and before the marriage even takes place they have ideas of what the role of a Husband and Wife is, and what obligations need to be fulfilled. Then they have children and now they have ideas of what a Mother should be and do and what a Father should be and do.

We have each grown up experiencing different versions of the roles between a Man and a Woman. Some of us had parents who both worked, whilst others had stay at home Fathers and working Mothers and many had a stay at home Mother and a working Father. Whichever one we grew up experiencing has shaped us into believing what role a Man and Woman should play within a relationship, but often these beliefs are different from one another’s and this can create conflict.  

As Women we are naturally giving and we find joy in giving of ourselves to our friends, our partners, our families, our children, and for a Woman, even the act of sex is one of giving. So what happens when we want the same from our Men? When we want them to give of themselves as much as we do?

There are many Men who have never experienced guidance or support growing up. There is a quote that says that Men learn how to love themselves through their Mothers but they learn how to love within their relationships, through their Fathers. Men are perceived as the stronger of the sexes and because of this, they were not always given the proper support they need.

What many of us are unaware of is that there is a certain amount of pressure on Men to succeed in the world. And without knowing it we as Women often contribute to this pressure. We feel that we are not asking for much when we say that all we want is a nice home, children, and a comfortable life, and so we look to our man for this. But do we stop and think of what it must be like to feel like you have an entire family to support and that there are people relying completely on you to survive.  Although Men pride themselves in being the “hunters’’ because it comes so naturally, “hunting’’ comes with a great deal of pressure. And they are no longer just going out into the bush to kill a wild animal for their families; much more is expected of them. And at the same time because it’s expected of them and because they expect it from themselves they are often not acknowledged for it.

To add to this ongoing change, Women today are no longer ok with just being Mothers. We want to contribute to the home in some way, we want to find stimulation outside of the home, we want to be seen, we want to be acknowledged, we want to feel sexy and wanted and we want to be in an equal relationship.

Let me use this example; a boy growing up sees his Mother as his Mother and he sees his Mother as a Wife to his Father and that is what he knows her to be. He learns about a Woman through her ability to mother and nurture him, but what he doesn’t see is that his Mother is also a Woman.

So now this boy grows up, he falls in love and he gets married and this sexy Woman he was once dating has now become a Wife and a Mother just like his Mother was. Now as much as the woman in his life wants to fill the role of Wife and Mother, she still wants to be seen as that Woman she once was, and still is, the one he couldn't keep his hands off. But often what happens is that even to him, she is now just a Wife and Mother.

We not only want to be seen as Women, we want to be treated as equals and we want Men to help with raising the children, and help around the house. We want them be able to communicate properly and be present in the relationship. We desperately want our children to have Fathers/partners that are there, that are hands on and that are a part of our lives and our children’s lives because for whatever reason, many of us didn’t have that growing up. In the past these roles between Men and Women were accepted but today they create a great deal of conflict in many relationships.

What I have observed is that some men don’t know how to do this, or how to be all that we ask them to be. Just because it comes naturally to us as Women doesn’t mean it is going to come as naturally to Men. If a man has not experienced that which I am talking about then it’s going to be difficult for him to implement. Wanting him to have the willingness to change certain things is ok, but expecting him to know how to do it could be expecting too much. There are few Men who will say that they don’t know how; instead they will just say they don’t want to or shut off so that they don't feel like failures.

Women are unaware of the fact that they hold a powerful energy within a relationship. This is the Feminine Energy and through it, we are able to teach and nurture and be kind so that we can enable the process of transformation within our relationships. But often we can be manipulative, demanding and forceful and we criticise and label in the hope that we will change our current situation. As Women, we are the 'relationship keepers' and we have the ability to uplift our partners or do just the opposite, We know what to say and when to say it and we know when we are doing certain things and behaving in certain ways to get what we want.

Acknowledgement is such a powerful tool but we use it so seldomly. Acknowledging a Man for all he does and for who he is enables him to want to do more, and to be more.

And this works both ways, because acknowledging a Woman for the roles she plays, and who she is, will enable her to feel like she is seen for all that she does. Acknowledging that even though there are certain conflicts and changes that need to take place (as there always is in any relationship), everything that our partner is already doing is cherished and acknowledged, always.