Taking on my Father's "Addiction". A painful relationship between a Father and Daughter

So by now you know that ever so often I open myself up and write about whatever process I am going through, and I do this in the hope that my openness and transparency will benefit my readers in some way, in any way. But in no way is this easy and every time I post a piece like this it’s at risk of feeling vulnerable and exposed. But being the woman that I am I trying to move beyond fear and challenge myself. This is as real as I get.

As a woman most of my identity was based on how my Father saw me. And the most difficult thing about this is that having a really troubled and shitty Father made it hard to find myself as a woman because there was no one to mirror off of or get that affirmation from. I know there will be many women and men who can relate to this.

I can’t speak for others but my relationship with my Father was everything in the world to me. I put him on a pedestal. I remember being about eight or nine years old thinking that there was no ways in hell I was ever going to ever love anyone like I loved him.  

As a little girl you look to your Father to show you that you are loved by a man, you are worthy of being loved by a man and that you are seen by a man. But I can’t say I ever experienced this. You see in the past I would have said that my Dad tried his best and he showed me love in the best way he could. And I would have said this because a part of me wanted to still feel sorry for him and be the understanding daughter that I always was. But this is not the truth; well it’s not my truth. He didn’t show love because he didn’t know what love was.

He told me he loved me when he needed me. He told me he loved me when he was high and when he was lonely. This was more manipulation than anything and I fell for it each time. Obviously then I was too young to know any better. And those were the only times he said “I love you”. I can count them on my fingers. But I lived for those times. I yearned for them. He created a yearning in me that I have had since then. A yearning for an unrequited, dysfunctional "love".

I grew up thinking that love was painful, and it had nothing to do with freedom or joy like people said it did. Love for me was heavy. And here’s the biggest one, love was about filling voids in each other.

Except I filled my Dad’s void and he created one in me.

One that I have tried to fill my whole life. This is what happens though with parents like this and with many, many parents in general They shouldn’t have had children at all, and they had them for their own selfish reasons, and to fill their own voids and so as children our goal becomes to fill their voids, yet this just creates a void in us. Well in my case anyway.

And so I thought I knew what love was, because the way my Father ‘’loved’’ me was all I knew and in my mind it’s how I thought I should be loved by a man and how I should show love. The only thing is I can no longer call this love. Maybe that’s the saddest part of it all for me.

So in the past I knew love to be filled with neediness, pain, expectations and a lot of crying because my love for my Father was unrequited. And so, unrequited love in the form of men and relationships became the theme of my life. Love became a game, a game that was exciting, dangerous, painful and manipulating and I needed it to sustain me. It was normal for me, it made me feel alive…for a while, but it always ended in pain. Love for me equalled desperation. Yes that is the word I have been looking for to describe the love for my father, utter desperation. I spent my life loving a man who never loved me back.

 
My Father had an addiction to prescription medication and although I did not take that addiction on in anyway, I definitely took the emotional side of the addiction on (not that I had a choice then), because addiction does not only come in the form of a substance. So yes I would call this an Emotional Addiction. And trust me it’s so hard to break. I needed it, I lived for it, I felt empty without it and I was always seeking it out in people. The yearning I always had, I lived for. I am not even sure I am explaining it right but the intense feeling of it is difficult to put into words.

When he died that intense pain I felt around our relationship just grew. And I was even more attached to the fact that love had to be painful like this, it had to be ‘’I love you but I can’t have you’’. You need me so I am there for you but still where is the love here? I would die for you but oh wait, you died anyway. What is wrong with this picture?!

Seriously I am watching these words go down on the page and I am somewhat confused and flabbergasted at how I was able to live my life like this. It's like being handcuffed to him almost. This has been one of the hardest and longest processes I have ever worked on. Today I am almost an observer of this all and suddenly I want to laugh so hard! Because Dearest Dad, you really fucked up so badly. But still I love you; yes I do because somewhere deep down I actually do know what love is, even if I forgot for a while. In fact I am the most loving open-hearted person I know when I am not operating from a wounded place.

The thing is, I don’t know what it’s like for other women/men out there that have had bad or worse or no relationships with their fathers, but I know that this is how my relationship with the most important man of my life shaped the way I know/knew how to love.

There really are days where I still want to be the little girl and I wish my Father would come back and do it differently this time. I wish he could have shown me what real, unconditional love was.

It’s like a slap in the face when you realise that the kind of love you have been chasing isn’t actually real. And the love I shared with my Dad wasn’t love at all. It was the idea of love. It was manipulation, and I was a puppet on a string. I spent my life mourning what could have been with us.

So ok this is the story but now what?

Now I am left asking what love really is. And I am fearful for I can’t answer that right now. I am fearful of letting go of the idea of love that I had because it defined me. His idea of love for me, or the way he showed it, really defined me. I often still get so mad and wish that there was even a memory of Father-Love that I can go back to in my mind but there isn’t.

So now I need to create my identity without this emotional need and void that lived within me. But I honestly don’t know how. But in my experience when you set the intention, ask for an answer and then let it go, the answer always appears.

But through all of my writing and all the processes I have gone thorough I am certain that I have what it takes. So I guess to try and find that love within me again as an adult today is what this is about. So here I am setting this challenge for myself. And as God as my witness I will become the woman that I was always meant to me before I was exposed to the madness that were my parents. Herein lies my journey and it’s really difficult but somewhat beautiful at the same time. The beauty that is always in the chaos.

So as a grown woman I am now on the journey to figure out what love is. I know it begins with The Self but when you don’t even have memories of how this looks from your parents it’s difficult to just imagine what self- love looks like, never mind implementing it. But that’s not going to stop me.

I am feeling strong even if I am questioning how I am going to finally move through this once and for all! I know that there is always a way….This is one of the many steps I have taken to be the woman I know I really am.

And to remember that there are bigger forces that support us in everything that we do. The universe is always working in our favour. I recently had an experience that helped me to come to this realisation about me and my Father and now being able to feel the sadness around it is my idea of the universe supporting me so I can move through it.

When there is stuff that we still  need to work on life makes sure to give us the experiences, the people and opportunities we need to work it through whether we are aware of it or not. That is why people often say that they are stuck in the same patterns and whether they move jobs or go into new relationships the same stuff keeps coming up. This is because life is saying "ok so are you going to work on this now finally?". Life keeps knocking until we are ready to open that door no matter how unpleasant it is.

Every time I work through an issue and face that which is painful I walk with a lighter step and a more peaceful heart. So with gratitude I end this off.

And so it is.

I am a sexual woman...but what does that really mean?

I am a woman of 29 going on 30. I am not sure why I have the need to mention that but maybe because the need to talk about this comes with this age.

Sexuality seems to be a touchy subject because the mere utterance of the word sparks instant stereotypes. Usually when you mention the work sexuality people automatically think of sex.

As a woman when I think of the word sexuality I think of expression, art, vibrancy and intuition but yes sex comes into it of course. For me, sexuality is more personal and individual than someone having to make us feel sexual. As a woman I think I always felt as if it was the man’s job to make me feel beautiful and sexy and in my power. I do think this is a normal thing though but I also think it can be rather dis empowering to sit and wait for a man to make you feel those things, or to have to have a man in your life in order for you to feel those things.

I have really begun to notice how important sexuality has become in my life. Perhaps because I am more in touch with myself and self-love has become a theme in my life and maybe because it is actually a natural thing for women whether we acknowledge it or not.

As women our sexuality has not really been celebrated enough and often women operate from a wounded place to get the attention they want from a man and they base their sexuality on the reactions and affirmations of men. The wounded woman is the woman who was never noticed by her father so she unconsciously seeks it out in other men.

But as women and men we can all agree that there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who can own her sexuality and her power.

I have seen it in little girls who want to wear their party dresses to bed at night. Little girls who twirl around in their dresses because it makes them feel pretty and “like a girl”. At that age we are not necessarily going to say it’s a sexual thing but it’s about feeling like a girl, and there is something very special in that. And as adult women we love to feel like a woman and only a woman will understand what this means.

For me sexuality is about celebrating yourself as a woman. Because as women we have unfortunately been tamed. Yes I said tamed. And there has been this stereotype put on us that men are the sexual ones and we are the ones that turn over and say "no honey I have a head ache".

But let us just realise that sexuality for women holds an enormous amount of power. It’s a life force, its beauty, its art, its everything.

But can we own our sexuality and separate it from anything man for now? Because even as women we are able to notice another sexual woman because even if we have not owned it in ourselves, we do want to.  Yes all women want to. All women want to feel like they are powerful in their femininity and in their sexuality.

But I feel I must again mention that I am not talking about in relation to men. I am not talking about flirting or wearing revealing clothes, none of that. I am talking about admiring oneself as a woman. Knowing where your power lies as a woman and that even without a man, we are sexual powerful beings that could rule countries, worlds, universes, galaxies because of the feminine power we own.  And with that sexual, feminine power comes our intuition, our knowing, and our ability to Mother, our ability to transform. Our ability to aid men in their transformations, our ability to heal, and the list goes on.

So now I’m going to get a bit personal but I’m in this now, so I might as well go all in! As a woman it’s important to notice our bodies. Not how does my body look to “him” but how beautiful my body is to me. How and where it curves, how it feels to have beautiful soft spots, how mysterious some of our parts are, and that although we can be vulnerable in this place, there is power.  How beautiful we are to touch, to be felt, to be kissed, but to be admired by ourselves.

I feel that society has naturally taught us that women are vulnerable but not necessarily powerful.

Things are changing, relationships are changing, dynamics between men and women and even women and women are changing and so it’s time to own our power as woman. It’s time to let ourselves feel and express our sexuality in whatever form is right for us. Even if you just believe me that you are powerful that’s enough for now. The feelings will come. But again when I say powerful I don’t mean having power over someone else, or a man, or being more powerful than someone else, I’m talking about inner power.

For a woman that inner power is subtle, but it’s there and it’s noticeable but it’s not flaunted and it’s not for show.

But you don’t have to be a thin, model-type woman to give yourself permission to be sexual. So on the topic of sex, is it ok to love sex and want it, often? And is it ok to want mind blowing, life altering sex? Fuck yes. But first and foremost it goes back to owning your own sexuality and loving yourself, your body purely for the fact that you are a unique woman. Purely for the fact that you are a woman.

Gone are the days of the tamed woman, and gone are the days of sexuality being dependent on any man (or relationship) although let’s not forget that we do need them sometimes for the part they play in celebrating that side of ourselves. But they celebrate it with us, not for us. That’s the difference. And when you can truly celebrate yourself, you open yourself up to be celebrated.

And so sexuality is beauty in itself, it’s a form of love and expression for ourselves and another. It’s a powerful force in our lives, it’s who we are and it’s truly a gift when expressed in the right way. Because let me just say that sexuality used for manipulation or control is not sexuality.

There is a wild woman in all of us. Some of us let her out but others keep her locked up for fear of judgement. And some of us have just completely forgotten she is there or pretend she doesn't exist. But this woman is free, beautiful, and expressive, artistic in any form, loving, but powerful, very powerful and all women know what this place feels like even if it was only for a few seconds.

So let me say that I am a sexual woman, and yes I love the act of sex but I also have truly began to understand the meaning of true sexuality, of expression and the gift in this.

 

From one Wild Woman to another, I celebrate me and I celebrate you.

We believe the lies we were told

I began writing when I was in a really dark space in my life. But then again can I really call it that because the darkest spaces actually bring on the brightest light.

So here, now, today I am not the same person that wrote any of my last entries. Then, I was stuck in this identity of someone I wasn’t. Someone who felt that because I wasn’t living up to the expectations of society, I wasn’t good enough.

But I can only talk about how I experience the world and if it resonates with you, awesome but if it doesn’t then that’s cool too. The truth is, that what I write about is my experience and some of it comes from me, but some of it is channelled from somewhere or something else and I will often find myself writing things even I didn't know I knew.

So have you noticed how everyone has so many opinions about fucking everything? What we should do in our lives what we shouldn’t do. There are sayings and quotes and writings to help us to move into a place of happiness and joy. You see the problem is that if we are constantly seeking happiness and joy we don’t find it because anything we search for stays in the future. ''The search'' is an action of waiting for something to happen in the future, something that we are lacking, and so "lacking" becomes a constant feeling. And lacking creates feeling less-than and this negative cycle grows.

The now, is this moment right here, this moment that you are reading this and this moment that you are not searching for anything so you can just relax and chill and read what I am writing and of course take out of it whatever feels right and leave behind whatever doesn’t. But you see in this moment that you are reading this you are free from your past, free from what you think your future is and free from all the negative thoughts about yourself that encompasses your life.

In this moment you are reading an article by me about how important this moment here and now is. So in this moment you are truly you because you are free from thought and self- judgement because you are focused on what I am saying.

So if I would tell you that you are perfect in this moment would you believe me? Maybe at first, because you would not be thinking because you are focused on reading but in a matter of seconds you would be back to the same old thinking that you aren’t good enough, or that you maybe cannot understand what I am saying or you don’t know these things that I do for example? But none of this is true.

You see, you are so attached to negative thoughts about yourself that you cannot even begin to fathom that every negative thing that was ever told to you was a lie. Now although you may not even remember anything negative that was ever said to you, you need to know that even a lack of positive affirmation creates a negative thought pattern.  Lies told to us by our parents, friends, whoever, is just that, lies. So we take those lies and we begin to identify with them. We become them. And we do whatever it takes to numb ourselves from these lies because they make us feel so shit. But did it ever occur to you that these ARE actually lies? These things are not true.

If a thought is true it uplifts you and automatically increases your vibration. If a thought is untrue, it lowers your vibration and makes you feel shit about yourself. But why can’t you start telling yourself the truth? Because no matter how much you have been lied to, it doesn’t mean you cannot change that around by finally beginning to tell yourself the truth about yourself. But again how do you know what’s truth and lies? And again I will tell you that truth makes us feel good and lies make us feel shit. You do the math.

So in this moment you are perfect and you are the truth and that is all that matters, that is enough. Gone are the days of having to hold onto anything negative about yourself or anyone else for that matter.

We are taught about positive thinking and self- love and so we try to do this. We tell ourselves that we are thinking positively and loving ourselves when we don’t even have the first clue as to how to do this.

And we watch people on TV like the Oprah’s of the world, or the Deepak Chopra's and whoever else that comes up with these amazing insights into life and we begin to immediately feel inferior. And we believe that it’s these kinds of people that can help us. But we can watch these programs all day and still nothing changes in us because we cannot leave the responsibility to anyone else to make us feel good about ourselves. Everything we need comes from within us, not without. Without is “with-out”.

Just a few months ago I was stuck in this conundrum of what I should be doing with my life because that’s what society believes I should do.

So ask yourself, is what I want what other people tell me I should want or is it truly what I want?

 

I took a break from writing because I wanted to figure out as a woman, what is right for me and my life not what have other people said is right for me. The unhappiest time in my life was when my life was led by what I thought others expected of me. And in this place I began to fall victim to others because I was different and never fitted into the mould then I must be bad or wrong?

We are so asleep in our lives that we have never asked the question what is right for me. What do I want?

Only you know the truth about yourself, only you remember those moments where you felt so good about yourself and those are the “truest” most real moments that have existed in your life. That is the true you. Hold onto that every second of every day.


 

 

 

Why is it so hard to express ourselves?

We all have things we want to say and our minds tick over every second of everyday but most often we keep these thoughts to ourselves.

Expressing ourselves is a difficult thing to do because we not sure if what we have to say is valid or clever or even worth saying. And so we don’t speak up. We don’t speak up when we have important things to say or when we are unhappy about something even if it’s small because we don’t want to create conflict.

I have noticed in my own life that keeping quiet to avoid conflict is a silent killer. And we land up walking around carrying the frustration of keeping quiet on top of work life, home life and all the other pressures that comes with life and so we become exhausted. We become burdened by our own thoughts that we are choosing not to express.

When we express ourselves it’s not up to us how the other person takes it. I believe if we speak our truth from a place of love and kindness, then we have done enough.

So what is truth? Well my truth is what I believe to be true for me. It is not THE truth, it’s just my truth and what is right for me. We all have our truth about what we feel is true to us and we can’t actually judge someone for speaking their truth no matter how different it is from ours.

I believe another reason why it’s so hard to speak our truth is because we worry that if we do, others won’t like us. But it is really difficult to speak up when we have been brought up to keep quiet, to sweep things under the rug because difficult things are seen as ‘’bad’’ to talk about.

The hardest thing I have ever done is talk about my truth and it still hard. I am a typical example of someone who worries that what I say may be too different or too challenging. But I have realised that the hardest things to talk about are always the most meaningful.

I think we are so afraid of the others reaction and we are so afraid of a negative response so we would rather keep the peace. But keeping the peace is a false and it doesn’t exist. It’s what we tell ourselves so that we can say “Well I have done good today, I managed to keep the peace instead of creating an issue”.

But my question is who cares if there is an issue? The fact is we didn’t create it because it’s already there. We are now just going to talk about it. Things like anger, rage, and sadness are emotions that are in fact extremely healing to us when expressed. When we can give ourselves permission to feel those things, we become human.

But we are so focused on being good. Like our parents told us that we were good when we were happy, but as soon as we got angry we were told we were wrong and as soon as we cried we were told to stop so we were brought up learning that anger and sadness are wrong to feel. Many of us weren’t allowed to get angry at our parents, or other adults or even our siblings and friends because that made us bad.

So now when we want to express our anger it comes out all wrong and in the most dysfunctional manner. Some people are passive aggressive and hold that quiet, internal anger that eats away at them, others blow up and become aggressive and some only express themselves when their inhibitions are gone, under the influence of a few drinks. Often we don’t even know how to express deep sadness so it comes out as rage.

I have felt especially recently that I have lived a life of keeping quiet, about everything because that was the right thing to do. And so the anger builds and builds and in my case it took a toll on my physical health last year. Imagine what 29 years of keeping your mouth shut does to you.  And for others, it’s been much, much longer.

So here I am expressing myself through writing and does the whole world know I have issues? Yes. And does the whole world know some of my deepest darkest thoughts? Yes. And am I still learning how to express myself without shame? Definitely!

 But this where healing lies. In expressing who we are and what we feel.

 

 

 

Its ok to feel fear and doubt for the upcoming year

So 2013 has begun even though 2012 only ended a few days ago and somehow we have to find the balance between one year ending and another beginning.

For some reason, the beginning of this year has felt particularly difficult, not because the holidays are over but because there there seems to be a feeling of fear and insecurity in the air.

Since the year began I have found myself doubting if I can achieve what I would like to and be as successful as I want to be in everything that I have set out to do. I wonder if I will be able to live up to the expectations I have set for myself and if I should be actually setting these expectations at all.

There is a certain amount of pressure we put on ourselves when we say it’s going to be a good year because we then have to somehow find a way to make it so and if it doesn’t turn out that way we land up feeling like failures, or that life has done us wrong.

On New Year’s Day I had this overwhelming feeling like I was starting all over again. Over the last few months my life took on a whole new dimension, and I would say I almost found a "New Talya'', but I am now feeling like what If I can’t live up to this. I am wondering if I can still be proud of myself if I am not always happy, and if I can still be loveable and be someone that people look up to even when I am not doing as well as I would like to. But more importantly, if I can be kind to myself when I feel I least deserve it.

A part of me feels like I need to be that inspiring, happy and fulfilled person all the time. I love that feeling but most of all I love myself more when I am happy because I feel like I am achieving something great. But when it comes to feeling sad or down is where the self- judgement comes in. I know when I put too much pressure on myself to stay in a good space, the opposite happens.  

Since the clock struck twelve on New Year’s Eve I suddenly felt as if I was looking up at a massively high mountain that I now have to climb. And like clockwork, as January hit I started my negative self- talk and my self- confidence took a dive. And the ever so pointless question of ‘’what if’’ came back with a vengeance. What if things don’t change the way I want them to this year, what if I fail, what if, what if….

So my only New Year’s resolution is to be kinder to myself in the times where I am finding life difficult and challenging and remind myself that I am worthy even when I am struggling. I don’t know how I am going to achieve this, but from experience, the universe always has a way of making sure we get the experiences we need in order to make whatever changes we need to, or want to.

I think we could all afford to be kinder to ourselves when times get tough because we have no control over what happens to us but we do have control over how we treat ourselves.

So I am starting the year with much doubt and fear but I am also starting the year out acknowledging that that’s actually ok.

 

It was New Years eve 2011....

Lately I have been thinking back to New Year’s Eve last year. It was a rainy evening so our plan to watch the fireworks on the beach didn’t happen so my Husband and I took our bottle of tequila and went back to our hotel. When the rain died down we went outside and watched the fireworks from the little garden area downstairs. I remember the next door neighbours were having a huge party with the loudest music ever, so he and I danced to the music, drank tequila and behaved like teenagers. I had this overwhelming feeling then that there were big things to come in 2012 and I turned to him and said that this year is going to be my year. But as this year went by I thought I could not have been more wrong in saying that. But here I am realising that this year has in fact been my year, just not in the way I thought. And although it was one of the most difficult years I have ever experienced, it has been my year for transformation and for the beginning of a wonderful new journey.

I have always had a burning desire to create awareness and inspire people to do things differently, but I was never really sure how to do this, until I realised that it was through my own journey that this could be achieved.

So I decided to write about what self-awareness means to me because that's really what all of this about.

I have used the word consciousness quite a bit in my entries and I wanted to explore it more. The term consciousness is used by many Spiritual Teachers and there are so many different meanings to this word and it means something different for everyone, but for me consciousness means self-awareness. 

In my experience, self- awareness is becoming aware of everything that we are with our light side as well as our dark side. It’s about understanding what triggers us and what drives us to enter into certain behaviours and really understanding our own dysfunctions without judging ourselves. It’s being able to face up to our past, understanding where we come from and how this has influenced who we are today. It’s about acknowledging that any issues that come up are a part of life, but that they need to be looked at and not brushed off.

It’s about taking responsibility for everything that we are and for all our actions. So for example if we have an issue with someone else, perhaps we could first look to see if this issue is with them or if it is actually our issue that we have not yet owned up to and need to work on. I have personally found this very empowering because then we no longer have to be victims to other people and we can stop blaming. I know for myself that when I am suddenly angered by what someone has said to me it’s because most of the time it’s true and this is often a difficult pill to swallow.

But when we do take responsibility for ourselves it has a ripple effect and those around us begin to do the same. Everything starts with us, so if we wait for others to do it we will die waiting. We need to be the person that we wish the other would be.

Self -awareness is about being true to ourselves in every situation no matter what, even if other people don’t like it. It’s ok to choose you.

 It’s about just being human because human beings are not perfect and striving for any kind of perfection is going against who we truly are. I love the truth of the phrase, ‘’we are perfectly imperfect’’.  I know from experience that constantly wanting life to go perfectly manifests the exact opposite, maybe to teach me that this is not how things work.

It’s about listening to our bodies because the body speaks volumes but we often ignore the signs until things get really bad. Our bodies tell us when it’s time to relax or if there is something we need that we are not giving ourselves. And also knowing that we don’t always have to be doing something, we don’t have to try so hard and we can also learn to just be.

 It’s also about listening to our inner voice, but if we find that it’s not there, it’s because we are not listening hard enough. Our inner voice has the answers to all our questions, even if the answer is that right now, there is no answer. 

It’s about ditching the “people pleaser” in us because the truth is, people don’t like us any more or any less when we try to please them, they just land up depending on us to keep up the charade and it lands up taking a tole on us. People don’t acknowledge us when we are desperate for acknowledgement, but as soon as we acknowledge ourselves others start to do the same, it’s a natural process.

Self-awareness is about respecting our emotions without judgement because our emotions are our truth. For example, our anxiety and worry tells us that there are certain thoughts that are no longer serving us and that we are trying to control that which we have no control over. Our sadness tells us that there are things we need to still work through and our joy tells us that we are now living in the moment.

And through everything, we need to remember to be gentle with ourselves because any transformation in life is a process and every change that we want to happen in our lives doesn’t happen over- night. Self- love is unfortunately one of the hardest things for us to implement but it’s important to remember that it’s in our most trying times that we need to be the kindest to ourselves.

It’s about no longer being ashamed of wanting more from life or wanting a meaningful life. No one ever told me this so I am saying it now; we are allowed to have it all, we are allowed to have everything we have ever dreamt of, but also realising that things do take work. Not physical work but work on ourselves and getting rid of all the baggage that is in the way of us getting what we want. Getting rid of all the negative thoughts that we let fill our heads telling us that we are not good enough or not deserving of greatness.

And then trust; trust in God, in the Universe or whatever it is that we believe in. Even if it’s just trust in ourselves that everything that is happening now is exactly how it should be and that if we resist that which is, we land up being in a constant battle with life. Even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, life always works in our favour not against us and there is always a bigger picture as to why things happen the way they do.  I believe that even if we don’t see it straight away we eventually do.

Self-awareness is also about surrendering to the fact that we cannot make sense of everything and that some things are meant to be a mystery. And we need to give life that respect.

It’s about knowing what we have control over and knowing what we don’t. We don’t have control over others and their behaviour; we don’t have control over events, or time, but we do have control over ourselves and every day we can choose how we are going to behave and react in any situation. We choose what we are going to tell ourselves and what we are going to believe to be true.

Change is the only constant thing in life and we have to surrender to the fact that when it’s occurring, it’s because it needs to. I believe that life is constantly showing us how to move through the difficulties and move forward to bigger and better things and the trick is to face up to ourselves in the difficult moments because those are the opportunities that we need to grab with both hands. Life is always giving us the opportunity to come back to our authentic selves without the masks and defences and it’s up to us if we are going to accept the challenge.

We need to be ok with the fact that there are times when we just can’t be strong. There are times when we doubt everything and wonder what the hell this life is. There are times when we feel really alone no matter whose around and there are times when we want to give up on it all. In my experience it’s through these times that I personally began to find myself. It wasn’t through the happy times.

I don’t think the aim of life is to be happy; it’s about being ok with the fact that it’s not always going to be.

Self-awareness is also about love.  Although it doesn’t seem like it, it’s actually harder to be angry or carry resentment towards others and all it does is takes up all of our energy. When we operate from love and understanding it makes no space for anything else and we can feel at peace.

And lastly self-awareness is about being open to knowing that what we know and believe to be true in our lives may not actually be and so to be open to new ways of being, new experiences and new ways of thinking.

For me right now, I know that I am in fact just at the beginning of this journey and there is an excitement within me that knows that there is still so much more to come.

Here is to the New Year and embracing all that is to come for all of us.

Love and blessings

My Journey in Therapy

I would say for most of my life I lived in a melancholic, depressive state of being. I was able to be happy and excited but always by things that were outside of me. And it was always short lived. But I got out of bed most mornings and put on my happy mask and did this pointless thing that I thought was my life. And this was how I did things.

I spent years going from therapist to therapist and nothing seemed to change. The topic in all of my therapy sessions was about how people in my life have let me down and how they just wouldn’t change. And when therapy got tough I got out of therapy, and fast!

It was only until I found a special woman who was different from the rest, a woman who finally helped me to face my demons and let me feel whatever I needed to feel without shame or guilt. I would describe the process I went through as going to the darkest place of myself to see what was causing this state that I was constantly finding myself in. And for two years I cried. I cried once a week, for an hour, without fail. Sometimes I knew what I was crying about, the past mainly, the traumas, and the worry about the future, but sometimes I just didn’t have a reason for crying. And as the months went by there were little snippets of hope in my heart and the emptiness that I felt inside slowly began to be filled.

I remember sitting in a restaurant one night, (and I was right in the middle of this therapy process)  and my Husband and I were having a lovely dinner and out of no- where like an emotional attack of some sort it suddenly occurred to me that no one is going to rescue me from myself, not even him. It was the most unbelievably overwhelming feeling and I just burst into tears, in public. At the time it was not a happy realisation, it was painful. I felt helpless and un- supported and un- loved and I felt that there was no way in hell I was going to be able to pull myself out of this depression I was in, all by myself. The word fear took on a whole new meaning for me and I had never felt so alone.

During this process I would constantly go back and forth between understanding that it was up to me to help myself and still desperately wanting other people to do it for me. At one point I finally felt that I was getting there and then I had to face death this year and that’s when I hit my rock bottom. I knew there was no way out this time and I went to the darkest place of myself, but I decided that I would stay there for a while.  I made that decision consciously. The strength it took to face myself, and to let myself stay in this place of despair for as long as I needed to, took all the guts I had.

I was no longer in therapy at the time and so I had to take what I was taught over the last two years in therapy and face the darkness alone. And as it does, the deaths brought up old pain of past deaths I have faced. So I cried for my father who has long been gone. I cried for my grand- father, I cried for the pregnancy I had not yet been able to have and for every loss I ever felt. And I let myself do that, while trying so hard not to judge it. I always thought that I was being so weak but I never imagined how much strength it would actually take.

My Father in law and my little dog will never know that in a way their passing saved my life. It is clear through my other entries that God and I have had a very rocky relationship. I have blamed, I have threatened ,even begged and mostly judged God for everything. I asked why my loved ones were taken from me because I just couldn’t understand and now the pieces are finally starting to come together. We never know why these things happen but you know what for me, this is why.

The miracle was that I am finally understanding that my happiness was my responsibility even if I had to deal with the sadness first. I had to do it for myself but for a long time was stuck in believing that I had no control. There are many teachings that explain that we are responsible for our lives and we are the only ones that can make ourselves happy. Honestly I never really got that until recently. I felt that because I was so unhappy I deserved to be happy and that that would come from something outside of me. But it never did.

Through the worst pain came a joy and a peace that I never knew was possible. But I am not walking on a constant happy cloud now, because there are always new hardships and challenges but I am no longer that depressed, helpless girl. And I know now that I have the strength to face anything that comes my way because if I can do what I did, I can bloody do anything.