The roles within our relationships

At the beginning of a relationship a woman and a man come together, and they have ideas of what role a man and woman should play within that relationship. Then they get married and before the marriage even takes place they have ideas of what the role of a Husband and Wife is, and what obligations need to be fulfilled. Then they have children and now they have ideas of what a Mother should be and do and what a Father should be and do.

We have each grown up experiencing different versions of the roles between a Man and a Woman. Some of us had parents who both worked, whilst others had stay at home Fathers and working Mothers and many had a stay at home Mother and a working Father. Whichever one we grew up experiencing has shaped us into believing what role a Man and Woman should play within a relationship, but often these beliefs are different from one another’s and this can create conflict.  

As Women we are naturally giving and we find joy in giving of ourselves to our friends, our partners, our families, our children, and for a Woman, even the act of sex is one of giving. So what happens when we want the same from our Men? When we want them to give of themselves as much as we do?

There are many Men who have never experienced guidance or support growing up. There is a quote that says that Men learn how to love themselves through their Mothers but they learn how to love within their relationships, through their Fathers. Men are perceived as the stronger of the sexes and because of this, they were not always given the proper support they need.

What many of us are unaware of is that there is a certain amount of pressure on Men to succeed in the world. And without knowing it we as Women often contribute to this pressure. We feel that we are not asking for much when we say that all we want is a nice home, children, and a comfortable life, and so we look to our man for this. But do we stop and think of what it must be like to feel like you have an entire family to support and that there are people relying completely on you to survive.  Although Men pride themselves in being the “hunters’’ because it comes so naturally, “hunting’’ comes with a great deal of pressure. And they are no longer just going out into the bush to kill a wild animal for their families; much more is expected of them. And at the same time because it’s expected of them and because they expect it from themselves they are often not acknowledged for it.

To add to this ongoing change, Women today are no longer ok with just being Mothers. We want to contribute to the home in some way, we want to find stimulation outside of the home, we want to be seen, we want to be acknowledged, we want to feel sexy and wanted and we want to be in an equal relationship.

Let me use this example; a boy growing up sees his Mother as his Mother and he sees his Mother as a Wife to his Father and that is what he knows her to be. He learns about a Woman through her ability to mother and nurture him, but what he doesn’t see is that his Mother is also a Woman.

So now this boy grows up, he falls in love and he gets married and this sexy Woman he was once dating has now become a Wife and a Mother just like his Mother was. Now as much as the woman in his life wants to fill the role of Wife and Mother, she still wants to be seen as that Woman she once was, and still is, the one he couldn't keep his hands off. But often what happens is that even to him, she is now just a Wife and Mother.

We not only want to be seen as Women, we want to be treated as equals and we want Men to help with raising the children, and help around the house. We want them be able to communicate properly and be present in the relationship. We desperately want our children to have Fathers/partners that are there, that are hands on and that are a part of our lives and our children’s lives because for whatever reason, many of us didn’t have that growing up. In the past these roles between Men and Women were accepted but today they create a great deal of conflict in many relationships.

What I have observed is that some men don’t know how to do this, or how to be all that we ask them to be. Just because it comes naturally to us as Women doesn’t mean it is going to come as naturally to Men. If a man has not experienced that which I am talking about then it’s going to be difficult for him to implement. Wanting him to have the willingness to change certain things is ok, but expecting him to know how to do it could be expecting too much. There are few Men who will say that they don’t know how; instead they will just say they don’t want to or shut off so that they don't feel like failures.

Women are unaware of the fact that they hold a powerful energy within a relationship. This is the Feminine Energy and through it, we are able to teach and nurture and be kind so that we can enable the process of transformation within our relationships. But often we can be manipulative, demanding and forceful and we criticise and label in the hope that we will change our current situation. As Women, we are the 'relationship keepers' and we have the ability to uplift our partners or do just the opposite, We know what to say and when to say it and we know when we are doing certain things and behaving in certain ways to get what we want.

Acknowledgement is such a powerful tool but we use it so seldomly. Acknowledging a Man for all he does and for who he is enables him to want to do more, and to be more.

And this works both ways, because acknowledging a Woman for the roles she plays, and who she is, will enable her to feel like she is seen for all that she does. Acknowledging that even though there are certain conflicts and changes that need to take place (as there always is in any relationship), everything that our partner is already doing is cherished and acknowledged, always. 

Putting myself out there for all to see

For a while now I have been grappling with the fact that I have put my whole life onto the World Wide Web for everyone to see. I think writing about my life has been one of the scariest things that I have ever done, if not the scariest. So after many sleepless nights and wondering what possessed me to do this, I came to the realisation that it was because it was finally time to let go of that part of myself that was so closed off; and to let go of the part that doesn't let others in easily. So perhaps it is time to be who I have always been, not the person that I have always known myself to be. Lets just say that person came with a lot of baggage, but I'd like to think I have gone from three huge suit cases to a tog bag.

We are shaped by our past experiences and we often don't even realise that what happened to us becomes us,  and becomes our identities. And everything we do and every decision we make lands up being based on old, and rather dysfunctional patterns in our lives. I have first hand experience when it comes to this.

Those who know me know that I am not a very open person and I prefer to keep to myself. I always worried that if I revealed too much about myself then people would know me and then I would be vulnerable to their judgements. But I soon realised that although remaining a mystery can be endearing, it can also be very lonely.

In my life I have come across very few people who are willing to open themselves up and really connect and I have always wondered why this is. But what I came to realise was that it was me who was really closed off and that it was me who needed to open up more.  I guess we cannot expect to receive that which we cannot give.

What is unbelievable in this whole process is that since I have opened myself up more through writing, I have attracted some amazing, loving and open people into my life recently. And I have also noticed that those around me who I perceived to be closed off were actually not.

Some of us just need that push, and I am one of those people. Although it doesn’t look like it on paper, in reality, I really struggle to express how I am feeling and what I want to say often doesn't come out the right way. I  have never felt safe enough with people to open myself up and I  am not always sure how to get these millions of thoughts I have into language that can actually be understood. And like most people I am fearful of others judgements.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a paradox, because on one hand I can be the life of the party and all I want to do is be around people and on the other hand, I am acutely shy and want to be left alone. Often even the thought of leaving the house is a daunting one. So writing about my life has brought me completely out of myself,  and out of my comfort zone. Its like having jumped off a cliff and trusting that this won't lead to my untimely death.

But I am still not sure that I know this person who writes this blog, but I know that I am very intrigued by her because she seems to have a level of courage that I never knew she had and everything negative that I ever thought about her and said to her may not actually be true. I want her to be able to say the things she needs to say and write about what she knows but at the same time I want to tell her to leave all of this and go back to being how she was because it’s safer that way. This is an on-going battle in my head. 

But there is no turning back now because here I am, out in the open, and right in the middle of this overwhelming emotion called fear. Yet something is different now because through the hardships that have taken place this year and throughout my life, I have found the courage to find myself, to know myself, and to take responsibility for my life. To lay myself down before others and speak about truth, my truth,  so that whoever reads this knows that they can speak about theirs.

What was missing from my life?

We are all on a constant journey to seek more from life. We strive for success in our jobs and we work for the houses and cars we buy, and the families we build in the hope that we will feel good about ourselves and create meaning in our lives. But what is it that we are constantly searching for?

We all yearn for certain things in our lives which some of us are able to voice, but for others it’s something they keep to themselves and many are not even sure of what exactly they are yearning for.  The process of yearning can be a lonely one. Take a social situation for example, someone will say that they would really like a new car and everyone nods in acceptance and starts giving car advice. But in the same situation, if someone would pop up and say that they really want to find self-love for example, people would be shocked and even uncomfotable.

So most of us keep that which we yearn for to ourselves because it’s safer that way and we talk about anything but!  Wanting to find a deeper meaning in life is often judged by others so we land up feeling guilty about the fact that this is what we are actually yearning for. We tell ourselves that we are not allowed to want these things and that we will find fulfilment in the material world, but this is not the case.

Many people don’t even know what they are yearning for and they attribute it to the need for material things, yet even all the riches in the world cannot seem to take the feeling that ‘’something is missing’’, away.

We are taught to be grateful for what we have and to be content in our lives because there are always those who are worse off than we are, but when people say we have so much to be grateful for it’s because they see everything we have on the outside. Our materials, our possessions, our jobs etc. so we always get the message that we have so much, so we should be happy. But then why are we not? Why do we have this on-going feeling that there is something more?

This was my question to myself for as long as I can remember. Even until a few months ago I was asking myself why I am still yearning for something when I have to the most amazing Husband, a loving family, a lovely new house, a great job and the list goes on. After a while I started attributing the fact that I wasn’t happy to anything I could lay my hands on and the people around me and suddenly no one was meeting my needs, not my Husband, not my family, not my friends, and nothing was good enough. Until I realised that I wanted something that I knew no one could give me and no matter how long I searched for it in someone else or something else, I knew I wouldn’t find it there.

So how does our yearning affect our relationships?

We place that which we are yearning for onto other people, its called projection. We place all our needs and wants that are missing in our lives onto everyone else, but don’t you notice how no one actually meets those needs a hundred per cent? And even if they do, it is short lived. Why? Because no one can actually fill that gap or that void within us and it’s not their job to.

We have all at some stage in our lives been in the beginning stages of a relationship where it’s suddenly our mission in life is to meet our partners needs and be the kind of person they need and want us to be, and we  do actually manage do that for each another. We are then happy and in love because now we had found the one, and now we are complete. But one wrong turn, and the other comes tumbling right off the pedestal we placed them on and it’s the end of the world because they are not who we thought they were. But what really happened was that the relationship caved under the pressure of one another’s expectations. This doesn’t just happen at the beginning of a relationship, it can happen in the middle of a marriage where for so long one person was trying to give the other what they need constantly to keep them happy and suddenly they stopped because they no longer had the energy to do it anymore, much to their partners shock. 

This is because no one can actually meet our needs or fill that void no matter how hard they try. In the past when my Husband and I would argue the words ‘’I can never do anything right, or ‘’it’s never good enough for you’’ would come up a lot because we couldn’t seem to fill the other’s needs and what he did was never good enough and what I did was never good enough. Only to realise that it was not our job to do so. Because what I have come to realise is that it is in fact our responsibility to meet our own needs in every way possible.

 So if we are feeling unloved, instead of putting the blame on our partners, families or friends, we need to find a way to give ourselves that love and support we are yearning for. When we are feeling not good enough or insecure, we need to find a way to give ourselves more acceptance, because as I said before, if not the relationships and people around us begin to start cracking under the pressure of our expectations.  It is inevitable that the other will ALWAYS FAIL if it’s up to them to make sure we are loved, supported, and are feeling confident about ourselves.

Whatever we are yearning for and seeking out from other people is actually about ourselves and the need to fill that void within us. Those who yearn for possessions to impress the outside world are actually yearning for acceptance and acknowledgement from those around them. Those who are yearning for love from others are actually yearning for a love they are dying to feel towards themselves. Those who are yearning for connection with others really want to find that connection with themselves that has been lost along the way, or perhaps, never found.

When we understand that our yearning is for a connection with ourselves and to find our own meaning, a shift can take place within all our relationships. It’s truly amazing that when we are able to give to ourselves that which we need at any given time, it opens ourselves up to receive from other people and from our loved ones because now they are giving because they want to, not because we expect it, they are giving love without feeling that they are responsible for us, they are giving without the pressure. And so the flow of love and life can take place.

For a long time I knew that there was something more to my life, more than what the eye could see and that this love, connection and acceptance from others I so badly yearned and searched for was because I felt none of it towards myself. And so I went to bed every night with the feeling like something was missing and I woke up with it every morning until I  realised that it was all up to me to fill the void I was feeling.

So that then meant that I could finally give myself permission to do everything I can for myself, always. And that everything I have always expected people to do for me is what I should finally be doing for myself. But honestly I am still figuring out how to do that, but all I know is that there is enormous relief in knowing that I don't have to wait for other people to make me happy anymore because that was so disempowering and it made me constantly unhappy.

So whether we are conscious of it or not, what we are really yearning for and striving towards everyday, is really just to connect to ourselves, to come back to ourselves.

My experience of what it means to be in a conscious relationship

It’s ok to expect things from each other, yet we seem to do this in a rather dysfunctional manner. How we communicate is everything, and in relationships we often use the phrase, ‘’you always’’, or ‘’you never’’ when our expectations have not been met. My Husband will tell you, it drives him up the wall, when I use these phrases because in fact, it is generalising, and it's giving the message that the other person has never actually been good enough for us.

What we don’t realise is that when it comes to any issue we are having with someone else; we are always bringing our baggage into it. Therefore an argument between two people is never just between two people. We bring all the stuff we learnt from our parents in terms of how they related to one another, we bring our fresh open wounds, and we bring our expectations. Expectation is probably the most fatal because we think we know what the other is going to say because we know them. We 'know' how they are going to respond in that moment and we hold that same old negative idea that they, once again will not meet our needs. Why? because our parents didn't always meet our needs so we project the same belief onto our partners. So really, they don’t stand a chance because we don't even give them the benefit of the doubt. Its a funny thing,  that when we hold a certain idea of someone they seem to live up to that expectation we have of them.

I am not just talking about romantic relationships, because all relationship dynamics are difficult, but the fact is that too many of us have never really known what it’s like to be truly vulnerable in the moment. We are so afraid of letting our defences down and getting hurt that we will literally put all our armour on and prepare for battle, and at the time we think this will protect us, but what we forget is that we are actually dealing with the person we love, not a threatening beast. Armour protects us for sure, but it also keeps the other person away. So the issue never really gets resolved because the underlying cause was not spoken about and dealt with.  When I say the underlying cause, I am talking about the wound that the other touched on, because if there wasn’t a wound, there would be no issue in the first place.

When it comes to arguments and issues, we don’t realise that often the way that the argument or fight between two people plays out is similar to the way both people watched their parents argue and before you know it the dynamic is no longer your own.  It helps to talk about one another’s pasts and what we each grew up experiencing so that we know how not to hurt each other and which buttons not to press. Then both people can acknowledge and own their own issues instead of projecting it onto the another in the hope that the other will take on all the responsibility.

How we speak to each other is also a huge deal. You know the phrase we all use (especially as women) we say ‘It’s not what you said it’s the way you said it’’.  The fact is that we talk to each other the way that we were once spoken to, but if we are not aware of it, we cannot change it and the same issues keep coming up time and time again.

I have come to realise that the word ‘’commitment’’ takes on a whole new meaning when you are fully committed to knowing one another on a deeper level and making a decision to communicate about everything, because there is no such thing as too much communication. To know one another’s pasts and pain is to truly know someone and to truly know ourselves. To really own our part in any argument creates self respect, so the commitment can evolve to a deeper level of respect for one another. If each person is willing to hold the space for the other to be who they truly are in any moment, and without judgement this creates another level of trust within the relationship. To voice that which hurts at any time, and especially within the midst of an issue means that we are being  completely authentic, and completely raw.

I know from experience that what I am talking about is probably one of the hardest things to do because even if we say we trust our loved ones and our partners, we still feel things like pride and complete trust in another is something that challenges us all. But my question then is this,  "If we  have the courage to be physically naked in front of our partners  what's stopping us from being emotionally naked too"?

Why should we have to deal with our pain?

We all have pasts and pain and although some worse than others, its all relevant. Yet, as human beings we spend our lives running away from whatever hurts, from that which is too painful to look at, and for many of us, that which we don't even know is causing us pain.

Pain is easily disguised and takes many forms. Our pain sends us signals everyday, begging us to look, and face it. Most often our pain comes out through our relationships. Relationships with our parents, friends, and spouses, even our colleagues and bosses. Our unresolved pain is forever triggered in the universe's attempt to help us to resolve it. In relationships its often those who we are the closest to that seem to mirror our inner conflict and turmoil. That is why so many teachers and spiritual principles are based on the fact that relationships are our biggest teachers, because they enable us to take a deeper look at what is really going on within ourselves.

When our pain is triggered by another human being our instant reaction is to get defencive, which is completely natural. We want to protect ourselves from those threatening feelings that are coming up, those feelings that we have put away for so long. So we think that by getting defencive we can avoid those feelings we hate to feel, yet it doesn't work that way. Because in a situation where both people are on the defencive, nothing gets resolved.

The question is, can we try and face that which we hate to? Can we be vulnerable so that the other knows that they have triggered a wound of ours? Here is where we as both men and women have pride. Pride as well as feeling that showing vulnerability means we are weak. The other issue is that we feel that if we show our vulnerability then the other has the 'upper hand' and so begins the power struggle.

There is not one person on this planet that has not had some form of emotional pain in their pasts. So why not acknowledge that it is there,  and make it relevant in our lives because its a part of who we are? Our pain wants to be seen, wants to be heard, so see it for what it is so that it doesn't have such power over us, so that we can let it go. The thing is, we wont die and nothing is going to happen to us if we go to that place. We will still wake up the next morning and life will carry on. Our pain cannot destroy us, it only brings us to the most real and authentic parts of ourselves.

People have become so desperate that they will do anything to avoid feeling pain, from drinking to drugs, eating, to splurging on new cars, clothes, the latest of everything so that they can make themselves believe that everything is A OK because their outer world looks that way. And many go through their whole lives avoiding it only to find that it has manifested into their physical bodies as deathly illnesses and diseases as well as depression and anxiety. Trust me I have first hand experience in this.

If our issues are not dealt with, we land up putting it onto our children, and this is why dysfunctional family patterns go back centuries because no one has taken responsibility for their issues or dealt with their pain. Every unresolved relationship, family dynamic and traumatic and or painful situation will be put onto our children when they are born, and their children, until someone decides that they want to break the harmful family pattern.

Now I am not saying that we have to now go and sit and think of our pasts or those things that are causing us pain but realise that when the time comes that we are again triggered by it, we need to open our minds and have a deeper look at what it is, and where it comes from. We need to just acknowledge that it is there. Just like you wake up one morning and say "wow I am in a good mood', you can do the same for something painful that has come up.

Often we don't know where its coming from, so we just need to sometimes sit with it. Sit with it meaning feel it. We are so quick to brush things off as being silly or invalid, but nothing we feel is silly or invalid, and the act of dismissing and rejecting those feelings is basically the rejection of ourselves.

As much as we would all like to be, we are not just Joy. In fact, talking about that which is painful and uncomfortable will only eventually make it less painful and the the joy that comes from it is like nothing we could ever imagine. A happiness, finally free from the chains of our darkness.