It was New Years eve 2011....

Lately I have been thinking back to New Year’s Eve last year. It was a rainy evening so our plan to watch the fireworks on the beach didn’t happen so my Husband and I took our bottle of tequila and went back to our hotel. When the rain died down we went outside and watched the fireworks from the little garden area downstairs. I remember the next door neighbours were having a huge party with the loudest music ever, so he and I danced to the music, drank tequila and behaved like teenagers. I had this overwhelming feeling then that there were big things to come in 2012 and I turned to him and said that this year is going to be my year. But as this year went by I thought I could not have been more wrong in saying that. But here I am realising that this year has in fact been my year, just not in the way I thought. And although it was one of the most difficult years I have ever experienced, it has been my year for transformation and for the beginning of a wonderful new journey.

I have always had a burning desire to create awareness and inspire people to do things differently, but I was never really sure how to do this, until I realised that it was through my own journey that this could be achieved.

So I decided to write about what self-awareness means to me because that's really what all of this about.

I have used the word consciousness quite a bit in my entries and I wanted to explore it more. The term consciousness is used by many Spiritual Teachers and there are so many different meanings to this word and it means something different for everyone, but for me consciousness means self-awareness. 

In my experience, self- awareness is becoming aware of everything that we are with our light side as well as our dark side. It’s about understanding what triggers us and what drives us to enter into certain behaviours and really understanding our own dysfunctions without judging ourselves. It’s being able to face up to our past, understanding where we come from and how this has influenced who we are today. It’s about acknowledging that any issues that come up are a part of life, but that they need to be looked at and not brushed off.

It’s about taking responsibility for everything that we are and for all our actions. So for example if we have an issue with someone else, perhaps we could first look to see if this issue is with them or if it is actually our issue that we have not yet owned up to and need to work on. I have personally found this very empowering because then we no longer have to be victims to other people and we can stop blaming. I know for myself that when I am suddenly angered by what someone has said to me it’s because most of the time it’s true and this is often a difficult pill to swallow.

But when we do take responsibility for ourselves it has a ripple effect and those around us begin to do the same. Everything starts with us, so if we wait for others to do it we will die waiting. We need to be the person that we wish the other would be.

Self -awareness is about being true to ourselves in every situation no matter what, even if other people don’t like it. It’s ok to choose you.

 It’s about just being human because human beings are not perfect and striving for any kind of perfection is going against who we truly are. I love the truth of the phrase, ‘’we are perfectly imperfect’’.  I know from experience that constantly wanting life to go perfectly manifests the exact opposite, maybe to teach me that this is not how things work.

It’s about listening to our bodies because the body speaks volumes but we often ignore the signs until things get really bad. Our bodies tell us when it’s time to relax or if there is something we need that we are not giving ourselves. And also knowing that we don’t always have to be doing something, we don’t have to try so hard and we can also learn to just be.

 It’s also about listening to our inner voice, but if we find that it’s not there, it’s because we are not listening hard enough. Our inner voice has the answers to all our questions, even if the answer is that right now, there is no answer. 

It’s about ditching the “people pleaser” in us because the truth is, people don’t like us any more or any less when we try to please them, they just land up depending on us to keep up the charade and it lands up taking a tole on us. People don’t acknowledge us when we are desperate for acknowledgement, but as soon as we acknowledge ourselves others start to do the same, it’s a natural process.

Self-awareness is about respecting our emotions without judgement because our emotions are our truth. For example, our anxiety and worry tells us that there are certain thoughts that are no longer serving us and that we are trying to control that which we have no control over. Our sadness tells us that there are things we need to still work through and our joy tells us that we are now living in the moment.

And through everything, we need to remember to be gentle with ourselves because any transformation in life is a process and every change that we want to happen in our lives doesn’t happen over- night. Self- love is unfortunately one of the hardest things for us to implement but it’s important to remember that it’s in our most trying times that we need to be the kindest to ourselves.

It’s about no longer being ashamed of wanting more from life or wanting a meaningful life. No one ever told me this so I am saying it now; we are allowed to have it all, we are allowed to have everything we have ever dreamt of, but also realising that things do take work. Not physical work but work on ourselves and getting rid of all the baggage that is in the way of us getting what we want. Getting rid of all the negative thoughts that we let fill our heads telling us that we are not good enough or not deserving of greatness.

And then trust; trust in God, in the Universe or whatever it is that we believe in. Even if it’s just trust in ourselves that everything that is happening now is exactly how it should be and that if we resist that which is, we land up being in a constant battle with life. Even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, life always works in our favour not against us and there is always a bigger picture as to why things happen the way they do.  I believe that even if we don’t see it straight away we eventually do.

Self-awareness is also about surrendering to the fact that we cannot make sense of everything and that some things are meant to be a mystery. And we need to give life that respect.

It’s about knowing what we have control over and knowing what we don’t. We don’t have control over others and their behaviour; we don’t have control over events, or time, but we do have control over ourselves and every day we can choose how we are going to behave and react in any situation. We choose what we are going to tell ourselves and what we are going to believe to be true.

Change is the only constant thing in life and we have to surrender to the fact that when it’s occurring, it’s because it needs to. I believe that life is constantly showing us how to move through the difficulties and move forward to bigger and better things and the trick is to face up to ourselves in the difficult moments because those are the opportunities that we need to grab with both hands. Life is always giving us the opportunity to come back to our authentic selves without the masks and defences and it’s up to us if we are going to accept the challenge.

We need to be ok with the fact that there are times when we just can’t be strong. There are times when we doubt everything and wonder what the hell this life is. There are times when we feel really alone no matter whose around and there are times when we want to give up on it all. In my experience it’s through these times that I personally began to find myself. It wasn’t through the happy times.

I don’t think the aim of life is to be happy; it’s about being ok with the fact that it’s not always going to be.

Self-awareness is also about love.  Although it doesn’t seem like it, it’s actually harder to be angry or carry resentment towards others and all it does is takes up all of our energy. When we operate from love and understanding it makes no space for anything else and we can feel at peace.

And lastly self-awareness is about being open to knowing that what we know and believe to be true in our lives may not actually be and so to be open to new ways of being, new experiences and new ways of thinking.

For me right now, I know that I am in fact just at the beginning of this journey and there is an excitement within me that knows that there is still so much more to come.

Here is to the New Year and embracing all that is to come for all of us.

Love and blessings

My Journey in Therapy

I would say for most of my life I lived in a melancholic, depressive state of being. I was able to be happy and excited but always by things that were outside of me. And it was always short lived. But I got out of bed most mornings and put on my happy mask and did this pointless thing that I thought was my life. And this was how I did things.

I spent years going from therapist to therapist and nothing seemed to change. The topic in all of my therapy sessions was about how people in my life have let me down and how they just wouldn’t change. And when therapy got tough I got out of therapy, and fast!

It was only until I found a special woman who was different from the rest, a woman who finally helped me to face my demons and let me feel whatever I needed to feel without shame or guilt. I would describe the process I went through as going to the darkest place of myself to see what was causing this state that I was constantly finding myself in. And for two years I cried. I cried once a week, for an hour, without fail. Sometimes I knew what I was crying about, the past mainly, the traumas, and the worry about the future, but sometimes I just didn’t have a reason for crying. And as the months went by there were little snippets of hope in my heart and the emptiness that I felt inside slowly began to be filled.

I remember sitting in a restaurant one night, (and I was right in the middle of this therapy process)  and my Husband and I were having a lovely dinner and out of no- where like an emotional attack of some sort it suddenly occurred to me that no one is going to rescue me from myself, not even him. It was the most unbelievably overwhelming feeling and I just burst into tears, in public. At the time it was not a happy realisation, it was painful. I felt helpless and un- supported and un- loved and I felt that there was no way in hell I was going to be able to pull myself out of this depression I was in, all by myself. The word fear took on a whole new meaning for me and I had never felt so alone.

During this process I would constantly go back and forth between understanding that it was up to me to help myself and still desperately wanting other people to do it for me. At one point I finally felt that I was getting there and then I had to face death this year and that’s when I hit my rock bottom. I knew there was no way out this time and I went to the darkest place of myself, but I decided that I would stay there for a while.  I made that decision consciously. The strength it took to face myself, and to let myself stay in this place of despair for as long as I needed to, took all the guts I had.

I was no longer in therapy at the time and so I had to take what I was taught over the last two years in therapy and face the darkness alone. And as it does, the deaths brought up old pain of past deaths I have faced. So I cried for my father who has long been gone. I cried for my grand- father, I cried for the pregnancy I had not yet been able to have and for every loss I ever felt. And I let myself do that, while trying so hard not to judge it. I always thought that I was being so weak but I never imagined how much strength it would actually take.

My Father in law and my little dog will never know that in a way their passing saved my life. It is clear through my other entries that God and I have had a very rocky relationship. I have blamed, I have threatened ,even begged and mostly judged God for everything. I asked why my loved ones were taken from me because I just couldn’t understand and now the pieces are finally starting to come together. We never know why these things happen but you know what for me, this is why.

The miracle was that I am finally understanding that my happiness was my responsibility even if I had to deal with the sadness first. I had to do it for myself but for a long time was stuck in believing that I had no control. There are many teachings that explain that we are responsible for our lives and we are the only ones that can make ourselves happy. Honestly I never really got that until recently. I felt that because I was so unhappy I deserved to be happy and that that would come from something outside of me. But it never did.

Through the worst pain came a joy and a peace that I never knew was possible. But I am not walking on a constant happy cloud now, because there are always new hardships and challenges but I am no longer that depressed, helpless girl. And I know now that I have the strength to face anything that comes my way because if I can do what I did, I can bloody do anything.

The roles within our relationships

At the beginning of a relationship a woman and a man come together, and they have ideas of what role a man and woman should play within that relationship. Then they get married and before the marriage even takes place they have ideas of what the role of a Husband and Wife is, and what obligations need to be fulfilled. Then they have children and now they have ideas of what a Mother should be and do and what a Father should be and do.

We have each grown up experiencing different versions of the roles between a Man and a Woman. Some of us had parents who both worked, whilst others had stay at home Fathers and working Mothers and many had a stay at home Mother and a working Father. Whichever one we grew up experiencing has shaped us into believing what role a Man and Woman should play within a relationship, but often these beliefs are different from one another’s and this can create conflict.  

As Women we are naturally giving and we find joy in giving of ourselves to our friends, our partners, our families, our children, and for a Woman, even the act of sex is one of giving. So what happens when we want the same from our Men? When we want them to give of themselves as much as we do?

There are many Men who have never experienced guidance or support growing up. There is a quote that says that Men learn how to love themselves through their Mothers but they learn how to love within their relationships, through their Fathers. Men are perceived as the stronger of the sexes and because of this, they were not always given the proper support they need.

What many of us are unaware of is that there is a certain amount of pressure on Men to succeed in the world. And without knowing it we as Women often contribute to this pressure. We feel that we are not asking for much when we say that all we want is a nice home, children, and a comfortable life, and so we look to our man for this. But do we stop and think of what it must be like to feel like you have an entire family to support and that there are people relying completely on you to survive.  Although Men pride themselves in being the “hunters’’ because it comes so naturally, “hunting’’ comes with a great deal of pressure. And they are no longer just going out into the bush to kill a wild animal for their families; much more is expected of them. And at the same time because it’s expected of them and because they expect it from themselves they are often not acknowledged for it.

To add to this ongoing change, Women today are no longer ok with just being Mothers. We want to contribute to the home in some way, we want to find stimulation outside of the home, we want to be seen, we want to be acknowledged, we want to feel sexy and wanted and we want to be in an equal relationship.

Let me use this example; a boy growing up sees his Mother as his Mother and he sees his Mother as a Wife to his Father and that is what he knows her to be. He learns about a Woman through her ability to mother and nurture him, but what he doesn’t see is that his Mother is also a Woman.

So now this boy grows up, he falls in love and he gets married and this sexy Woman he was once dating has now become a Wife and a Mother just like his Mother was. Now as much as the woman in his life wants to fill the role of Wife and Mother, she still wants to be seen as that Woman she once was, and still is, the one he couldn't keep his hands off. But often what happens is that even to him, she is now just a Wife and Mother.

We not only want to be seen as Women, we want to be treated as equals and we want Men to help with raising the children, and help around the house. We want them be able to communicate properly and be present in the relationship. We desperately want our children to have Fathers/partners that are there, that are hands on and that are a part of our lives and our children’s lives because for whatever reason, many of us didn’t have that growing up. In the past these roles between Men and Women were accepted but today they create a great deal of conflict in many relationships.

What I have observed is that some men don’t know how to do this, or how to be all that we ask them to be. Just because it comes naturally to us as Women doesn’t mean it is going to come as naturally to Men. If a man has not experienced that which I am talking about then it’s going to be difficult for him to implement. Wanting him to have the willingness to change certain things is ok, but expecting him to know how to do it could be expecting too much. There are few Men who will say that they don’t know how; instead they will just say they don’t want to or shut off so that they don't feel like failures.

Women are unaware of the fact that they hold a powerful energy within a relationship. This is the Feminine Energy and through it, we are able to teach and nurture and be kind so that we can enable the process of transformation within our relationships. But often we can be manipulative, demanding and forceful and we criticise and label in the hope that we will change our current situation. As Women, we are the 'relationship keepers' and we have the ability to uplift our partners or do just the opposite, We know what to say and when to say it and we know when we are doing certain things and behaving in certain ways to get what we want.

Acknowledgement is such a powerful tool but we use it so seldomly. Acknowledging a Man for all he does and for who he is enables him to want to do more, and to be more.

And this works both ways, because acknowledging a Woman for the roles she plays, and who she is, will enable her to feel like she is seen for all that she does. Acknowledging that even though there are certain conflicts and changes that need to take place (as there always is in any relationship), everything that our partner is already doing is cherished and acknowledged, always. 

Putting myself out there for all to see

For a while now I have been grappling with the fact that I have put my whole life onto the World Wide Web for everyone to see. I think writing about my life has been one of the scariest things that I have ever done, if not the scariest. So after many sleepless nights and wondering what possessed me to do this, I came to the realisation that it was because it was finally time to let go of that part of myself that was so closed off; and to let go of the part that doesn't let others in easily. So perhaps it is time to be who I have always been, not the person that I have always known myself to be. Lets just say that person came with a lot of baggage, but I'd like to think I have gone from three huge suit cases to a tog bag.

We are shaped by our past experiences and we often don't even realise that what happened to us becomes us,  and becomes our identities. And everything we do and every decision we make lands up being based on old, and rather dysfunctional patterns in our lives. I have first hand experience when it comes to this.

Those who know me know that I am not a very open person and I prefer to keep to myself. I always worried that if I revealed too much about myself then people would know me and then I would be vulnerable to their judgements. But I soon realised that although remaining a mystery can be endearing, it can also be very lonely.

In my life I have come across very few people who are willing to open themselves up and really connect and I have always wondered why this is. But what I came to realise was that it was me who was really closed off and that it was me who needed to open up more.  I guess we cannot expect to receive that which we cannot give.

What is unbelievable in this whole process is that since I have opened myself up more through writing, I have attracted some amazing, loving and open people into my life recently. And I have also noticed that those around me who I perceived to be closed off were actually not.

Some of us just need that push, and I am one of those people. Although it doesn’t look like it on paper, in reality, I really struggle to express how I am feeling and what I want to say often doesn't come out the right way. I  have never felt safe enough with people to open myself up and I  am not always sure how to get these millions of thoughts I have into language that can actually be understood. And like most people I am fearful of others judgements.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a paradox, because on one hand I can be the life of the party and all I want to do is be around people and on the other hand, I am acutely shy and want to be left alone. Often even the thought of leaving the house is a daunting one. So writing about my life has brought me completely out of myself,  and out of my comfort zone. Its like having jumped off a cliff and trusting that this won't lead to my untimely death.

But I am still not sure that I know this person who writes this blog, but I know that I am very intrigued by her because she seems to have a level of courage that I never knew she had and everything negative that I ever thought about her and said to her may not actually be true. I want her to be able to say the things she needs to say and write about what she knows but at the same time I want to tell her to leave all of this and go back to being how she was because it’s safer that way. This is an on-going battle in my head. 

But there is no turning back now because here I am, out in the open, and right in the middle of this overwhelming emotion called fear. Yet something is different now because through the hardships that have taken place this year and throughout my life, I have found the courage to find myself, to know myself, and to take responsibility for my life. To lay myself down before others and speak about truth, my truth,  so that whoever reads this knows that they can speak about theirs.

What was missing from my life?

We are all on a constant journey to seek more from life. We strive for success in our jobs and we work for the houses and cars we buy, and the families we build in the hope that we will feel good about ourselves and create meaning in our lives. But what is it that we are constantly searching for?

We all yearn for certain things in our lives which some of us are able to voice, but for others it’s something they keep to themselves and many are not even sure of what exactly they are yearning for.  The process of yearning can be a lonely one. Take a social situation for example, someone will say that they would really like a new car and everyone nods in acceptance and starts giving car advice. But in the same situation, if someone would pop up and say that they really want to find self-love for example, people would be shocked and even uncomfotable.

So most of us keep that which we yearn for to ourselves because it’s safer that way and we talk about anything but!  Wanting to find a deeper meaning in life is often judged by others so we land up feeling guilty about the fact that this is what we are actually yearning for. We tell ourselves that we are not allowed to want these things and that we will find fulfilment in the material world, but this is not the case.

Many people don’t even know what they are yearning for and they attribute it to the need for material things, yet even all the riches in the world cannot seem to take the feeling that ‘’something is missing’’, away.

We are taught to be grateful for what we have and to be content in our lives because there are always those who are worse off than we are, but when people say we have so much to be grateful for it’s because they see everything we have on the outside. Our materials, our possessions, our jobs etc. so we always get the message that we have so much, so we should be happy. But then why are we not? Why do we have this on-going feeling that there is something more?

This was my question to myself for as long as I can remember. Even until a few months ago I was asking myself why I am still yearning for something when I have to the most amazing Husband, a loving family, a lovely new house, a great job and the list goes on. After a while I started attributing the fact that I wasn’t happy to anything I could lay my hands on and the people around me and suddenly no one was meeting my needs, not my Husband, not my family, not my friends, and nothing was good enough. Until I realised that I wanted something that I knew no one could give me and no matter how long I searched for it in someone else or something else, I knew I wouldn’t find it there.

So how does our yearning affect our relationships?

We place that which we are yearning for onto other people, its called projection. We place all our needs and wants that are missing in our lives onto everyone else, but don’t you notice how no one actually meets those needs a hundred per cent? And even if they do, it is short lived. Why? Because no one can actually fill that gap or that void within us and it’s not their job to.

We have all at some stage in our lives been in the beginning stages of a relationship where it’s suddenly our mission in life is to meet our partners needs and be the kind of person they need and want us to be, and we  do actually manage do that for each another. We are then happy and in love because now we had found the one, and now we are complete. But one wrong turn, and the other comes tumbling right off the pedestal we placed them on and it’s the end of the world because they are not who we thought they were. But what really happened was that the relationship caved under the pressure of one another’s expectations. This doesn’t just happen at the beginning of a relationship, it can happen in the middle of a marriage where for so long one person was trying to give the other what they need constantly to keep them happy and suddenly they stopped because they no longer had the energy to do it anymore, much to their partners shock. 

This is because no one can actually meet our needs or fill that void no matter how hard they try. In the past when my Husband and I would argue the words ‘’I can never do anything right, or ‘’it’s never good enough for you’’ would come up a lot because we couldn’t seem to fill the other’s needs and what he did was never good enough and what I did was never good enough. Only to realise that it was not our job to do so. Because what I have come to realise is that it is in fact our responsibility to meet our own needs in every way possible.

 So if we are feeling unloved, instead of putting the blame on our partners, families or friends, we need to find a way to give ourselves that love and support we are yearning for. When we are feeling not good enough or insecure, we need to find a way to give ourselves more acceptance, because as I said before, if not the relationships and people around us begin to start cracking under the pressure of our expectations.  It is inevitable that the other will ALWAYS FAIL if it’s up to them to make sure we are loved, supported, and are feeling confident about ourselves.

Whatever we are yearning for and seeking out from other people is actually about ourselves and the need to fill that void within us. Those who yearn for possessions to impress the outside world are actually yearning for acceptance and acknowledgement from those around them. Those who are yearning for love from others are actually yearning for a love they are dying to feel towards themselves. Those who are yearning for connection with others really want to find that connection with themselves that has been lost along the way, or perhaps, never found.

When we understand that our yearning is for a connection with ourselves and to find our own meaning, a shift can take place within all our relationships. It’s truly amazing that when we are able to give to ourselves that which we need at any given time, it opens ourselves up to receive from other people and from our loved ones because now they are giving because they want to, not because we expect it, they are giving love without feeling that they are responsible for us, they are giving without the pressure. And so the flow of love and life can take place.

For a long time I knew that there was something more to my life, more than what the eye could see and that this love, connection and acceptance from others I so badly yearned and searched for was because I felt none of it towards myself. And so I went to bed every night with the feeling like something was missing and I woke up with it every morning until I  realised that it was all up to me to fill the void I was feeling.

So that then meant that I could finally give myself permission to do everything I can for myself, always. And that everything I have always expected people to do for me is what I should finally be doing for myself. But honestly I am still figuring out how to do that, but all I know is that there is enormous relief in knowing that I don't have to wait for other people to make me happy anymore because that was so disempowering and it made me constantly unhappy.

So whether we are conscious of it or not, what we are really yearning for and striving towards everyday, is really just to connect to ourselves, to come back to ourselves.

My experience of what it means to be in a conscious relationship

It’s ok to expect things from each other, yet we seem to do this in a rather dysfunctional manner. How we communicate is everything, and in relationships we often use the phrase, ‘’you always’’, or ‘’you never’’ when our expectations have not been met. My Husband will tell you, it drives him up the wall, when I use these phrases because in fact, it is generalising, and it's giving the message that the other person has never actually been good enough for us.

What we don’t realise is that when it comes to any issue we are having with someone else; we are always bringing our baggage into it. Therefore an argument between two people is never just between two people. We bring all the stuff we learnt from our parents in terms of how they related to one another, we bring our fresh open wounds, and we bring our expectations. Expectation is probably the most fatal because we think we know what the other is going to say because we know them. We 'know' how they are going to respond in that moment and we hold that same old negative idea that they, once again will not meet our needs. Why? because our parents didn't always meet our needs so we project the same belief onto our partners. So really, they don’t stand a chance because we don't even give them the benefit of the doubt. Its a funny thing,  that when we hold a certain idea of someone they seem to live up to that expectation we have of them.

I am not just talking about romantic relationships, because all relationship dynamics are difficult, but the fact is that too many of us have never really known what it’s like to be truly vulnerable in the moment. We are so afraid of letting our defences down and getting hurt that we will literally put all our armour on and prepare for battle, and at the time we think this will protect us, but what we forget is that we are actually dealing with the person we love, not a threatening beast. Armour protects us for sure, but it also keeps the other person away. So the issue never really gets resolved because the underlying cause was not spoken about and dealt with.  When I say the underlying cause, I am talking about the wound that the other touched on, because if there wasn’t a wound, there would be no issue in the first place.

When it comes to arguments and issues, we don’t realise that often the way that the argument or fight between two people plays out is similar to the way both people watched their parents argue and before you know it the dynamic is no longer your own.  It helps to talk about one another’s pasts and what we each grew up experiencing so that we know how not to hurt each other and which buttons not to press. Then both people can acknowledge and own their own issues instead of projecting it onto the another in the hope that the other will take on all the responsibility.

How we speak to each other is also a huge deal. You know the phrase we all use (especially as women) we say ‘It’s not what you said it’s the way you said it’’.  The fact is that we talk to each other the way that we were once spoken to, but if we are not aware of it, we cannot change it and the same issues keep coming up time and time again.

I have come to realise that the word ‘’commitment’’ takes on a whole new meaning when you are fully committed to knowing one another on a deeper level and making a decision to communicate about everything, because there is no such thing as too much communication. To know one another’s pasts and pain is to truly know someone and to truly know ourselves. To really own our part in any argument creates self respect, so the commitment can evolve to a deeper level of respect for one another. If each person is willing to hold the space for the other to be who they truly are in any moment, and without judgement this creates another level of trust within the relationship. To voice that which hurts at any time, and especially within the midst of an issue means that we are being  completely authentic, and completely raw.

I know from experience that what I am talking about is probably one of the hardest things to do because even if we say we trust our loved ones and our partners, we still feel things like pride and complete trust in another is something that challenges us all. But my question then is this,  "If we  have the courage to be physically naked in front of our partners  what's stopping us from being emotionally naked too"?

Why should we have to deal with our pain?

We all have pasts and pain and although some worse than others, its all relevant. Yet, as human beings we spend our lives running away from whatever hurts, from that which is too painful to look at, and for many of us, that which we don't even know is causing us pain.

Pain is easily disguised and takes many forms. Our pain sends us signals everyday, begging us to look, and face it. Most often our pain comes out through our relationships. Relationships with our parents, friends, and spouses, even our colleagues and bosses. Our unresolved pain is forever triggered in the universe's attempt to help us to resolve it. In relationships its often those who we are the closest to that seem to mirror our inner conflict and turmoil. That is why so many teachers and spiritual principles are based on the fact that relationships are our biggest teachers, because they enable us to take a deeper look at what is really going on within ourselves.

When our pain is triggered by another human being our instant reaction is to get defencive, which is completely natural. We want to protect ourselves from those threatening feelings that are coming up, those feelings that we have put away for so long. So we think that by getting defencive we can avoid those feelings we hate to feel, yet it doesn't work that way. Because in a situation where both people are on the defencive, nothing gets resolved.

The question is, can we try and face that which we hate to? Can we be vulnerable so that the other knows that they have triggered a wound of ours? Here is where we as both men and women have pride. Pride as well as feeling that showing vulnerability means we are weak. The other issue is that we feel that if we show our vulnerability then the other has the 'upper hand' and so begins the power struggle.

There is not one person on this planet that has not had some form of emotional pain in their pasts. So why not acknowledge that it is there,  and make it relevant in our lives because its a part of who we are? Our pain wants to be seen, wants to be heard, so see it for what it is so that it doesn't have such power over us, so that we can let it go. The thing is, we wont die and nothing is going to happen to us if we go to that place. We will still wake up the next morning and life will carry on. Our pain cannot destroy us, it only brings us to the most real and authentic parts of ourselves.

People have become so desperate that they will do anything to avoid feeling pain, from drinking to drugs, eating, to splurging on new cars, clothes, the latest of everything so that they can make themselves believe that everything is A OK because their outer world looks that way. And many go through their whole lives avoiding it only to find that it has manifested into their physical bodies as deathly illnesses and diseases as well as depression and anxiety. Trust me I have first hand experience in this.

If our issues are not dealt with, we land up putting it onto our children, and this is why dysfunctional family patterns go back centuries because no one has taken responsibility for their issues or dealt with their pain. Every unresolved relationship, family dynamic and traumatic and or painful situation will be put onto our children when they are born, and their children, until someone decides that they want to break the harmful family pattern.

Now I am not saying that we have to now go and sit and think of our pasts or those things that are causing us pain but realise that when the time comes that we are again triggered by it, we need to open our minds and have a deeper look at what it is, and where it comes from. We need to just acknowledge that it is there. Just like you wake up one morning and say "wow I am in a good mood', you can do the same for something painful that has come up.

Often we don't know where its coming from, so we just need to sometimes sit with it. Sit with it meaning feel it. We are so quick to brush things off as being silly or invalid, but nothing we feel is silly or invalid, and the act of dismissing and rejecting those feelings is basically the rejection of ourselves.

As much as we would all like to be, we are not just Joy. In fact, talking about that which is painful and uncomfortable will only eventually make it less painful and the the joy that comes from it is like nothing we could ever imagine. A happiness, finally free from the chains of our darkness.

Finding healing through telling my story

I would explain the journey to consciousness and self awareness as a process of getting all the "gunk" out. As adults, all of ones childhood traumas and emotional baggage that we carry seems to come to the fore at some stage in our lives, so that we can work through it and let it go. Some of us go through it in our twenties or thirties and others later on and this is what people call the "Mid Life Crisis''. Where we begin to question everything about life and who we are.

This ''gunk'' as I would like to call it comes in batches. Sometimes it’s not so big, sometimes it’s enormous and other times, it feels life threatening and you are left wondering if you will ever be able to move past it. We are then faced with two options, we can explore it or put it on the shelf. The second option works, for a while, but unfortunately the issue just comes back.

We all have our story but we often to ashamed to talk about our pasts or we think that because it's in the past then its best left there. But this is similar to keeping a secret , it can eat us up even if we are not aware of it. So I have decided to share something about myself, about my past because I have carried the shame for far too long now and it is time to acknowledge it and hopefully finally move on from it. 

One of the most painful processes and difficult issues in my life is that I have always felt that I have to give of myself in order to receive. Even when I feel that I have nothing left to give I will find it somewhere within me for the other. I do this so that I feel deserving enough for others to give to me. And even then I don't feel deserving.

Growing up was just like this. My parents were not givers of the emotional or supportive kind. They gave me an education yes, and good sound advice, yes, but a child does not feel love and support from a good education or advice of any kind.

So I learnt quickly that to get the emotional support I needed, I needed to be supportive, Psychology refers to this as 'Parentified Children'. I took it upon myself to be there for my parents so that maybe then they would be there for me. I was like a 7 year old therapist. The only problem was that as a child I had nothing to give but somehow still managed to give all of me. It then became apparent that the need to feel support and love from my parents was selfish of me, because if they were not giving it to me, then it must be my fault for wanting it because it’s unnatural to want something that felt so natural to want, to need. So that's when I became the rescuer, the giver, the person my parents could depend on.

I don't ever remember feeling happy as a child. I felt burdened constantly from the responsibility I felt towards my parents. I always felt different from the children at school. They always looked so happy and care free but I was carrying around a secret.

I was trying to save my Father from his drug addiction and trying to be there for my Mother who was slowly falling apart. I used to watch her flush his pills down the toilet in desperation. But because my parents were both Doctors,  he literally had pills on tap. My parents got divorced eventually because after 4 rehab clinics my Father didn't get better, he just got worse. He moved 2 hours away from my sister's and I and we would only see him during the school holidays and that is if he remembered to pick us up.

There are things that will always haunt us, memories that become in grained. For me, and possibly the most terrifying thing I ever saw as a child was waking up one morning to find drops of blood on the carpet in our passage, I remember thinking it looked like someone had spilt paint. The night before my Father in desperation had broken into my mother’s medicine cupboard and injected himself with whatever he could find. I remember wondering why he needed to do that, wasn’t I enough. Wasn’t I enough to make him happy?

Or the day that he collected us to take us back to his house and he had to keep stopping the car so he could vomit. I knew the cause was that he had taken too many pills again. There was a mixture of fear for my life and the responsibility I felt towards my sisters. They needed protection and I had to be the one to protect them, but I just didn't know how, because I also needed protecting.

His behaviour just got worse each time we went to visit him, to the point where he would buy my 5 year old sister at the time, a six pack of ciders, or he would let me drive at the age of 12. I thought he was the best Father, the cool parent but at the same time I was terribly worried. Worried about him, and worried about my sisters.  Each and every time I would leave to go back to my Mom’s, he would tell me that he is going to be so lonely again and that used to send me off the rails. I would cry for days after the visit because I felt so guilty for leaving because he was going to be lonely and I had to save him. I would beg my Mother to go and live with him. My Mother always said she dreaded the day I would return home from visiting him because it would take me weeks to recover. I would literally go into a depression. I missed him so badly and I yearned for him every day but above all, I wanted to be there for him, I was his knight in shining armour. I was the one that was going save him from himself. Living with my Mother was no better. I felt that I had to be her confidant. I would listen to her vent about her financial worries and her marriage to my step father that was going down the tubes. I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for my parents to ask me how I am once in a while or check on me.

 The rescuer and people pleasing role I fell into began to filter into my friendships, and I attracted friends who needed fixing, just like my Father. But I was ok with it and when I felt like I helped them, the void inside me would be filled for a certain period of time, like a temporary high. I began to live for those moments and now I look back and wonder how I had the energy to do it. I had nothing to give but still gave everything I had. When you have nothing to give and you are not really giving or helping anyone. A shell of a person cannot give to others.

 I was never able to fix my Father and that has always been extremely painful for me. He eventually died, which made my mission to fix all the people in the world even more important. But it didn’t work and I am left feeling chronically fatigued in every sense of the word. And the question I have been asking myself lately is “who am I if I have nothing to give and who will love me now?”  This dysfunctional pattern in my life has led to on going health issues and various Doctor's diagnosis. This seems to have had the same impact on physically as it has emotionally.

 The painful reality that I had to come to terms with was that rescuing my parents didn’t make them love me more; it just made them more dependent on me when I should have been the one depending on them.

 Not a day goes by where I don’t yearn for the parents I always longed for, for the love and support I desperately needed. I often wish I could start again, go back to being a child but this time my parents would be different and that void I wake up every day with would be filled.

Getting rid of the heart ache and the baggage is helping me to see that it's ok to start being myself. From a young age I could see things and understand things about people that I never shared with anyone else. I knew things about someone just by looking at them. Back then I was perceived as quiet and shy and it was because I was listening to what I heard in my head. I spent forever wondering why I knew these things and how I knew that things would happen ,before they did. I knew that I was different, different from everyone else around me. Psychic? Maybe. Ill just call it intuitive. But I completely shut this side of me off because I so badly wanted to fit in and be “normal”.

 Perhaps it’s time to be myself and not feel ashamed of it, to give, myself permission to live my life for me and no one else. But also it's time to move beyond the story because who I am is not what happened to me.

Through this journey I have realised that having a baby would have been a perfect distraction to all of this. I would have been able to once again focus on something else, or rather someone else and not myself. But it did not happen that way... So now its almost like I am have to put myself back together and be the parent that I never had, to myself. To take a leap, move beyond fear and be fully who I am without shame or guilt.

 Just another step towards the beginning of this new path my life is moving towards.

 

It was that last roller coaster ride

Its been a week unlike any other and the smallest things have turned out to be the biggest.

My Husband started singing to himself again. I really can't remember the last time he just hummed a tune to himself, at least not since his Father's cancer diagnosis. In fact, he took it to another level and was singing at the top of his lungs in the car today. I always joke with him about his voice, but today it was just music to my ears because to me it was the sound of happiness. And at the dinner table this week, where there were just moments when he would be smiling to himself and when I eventually asked him what he was smiling about he looked at me and said "I am just really enjoying this dinner''.

Or when I catch him looking at me with that old familiar (or perhaps new found) sparkle in his eyes and there is that quiet, unspoken language between us that says ''maybe the dark days are coming to an end, maybe our time has finally arrived''.

To be frank, I have always struggled with the concept of "living in the now", but I am starting to get it, because I have realised it is all we have, or rather, it is all I have. This week being in the now was about the little things like drinking a cup of tea, or watching my dogs play together. It was in those moments that I noticed that when I can truly be in the present moment, my anxiety dissipates, my worries seem to disappear and even my health issues seem conquerable.

Today, my Husband and I decided to let our inner children come out to play and so we took a trip to the theme park. We rode roller coasters, screamed our heads off (I might have shed a tear or two out of pure fear) and laughed, laughed loudly.

I must say, as a child, I was fearless and I didn't think twice before getting onto any kind of roller coaster ride but today I was terrified. I was terrified that the "life threatening" roller coaster would break at the hinges because I was getting on it. Its my same old thought pattern; 'something bad is definitely going to happen to me'. Well it obviously did not because I am sitting in the comfort of my home blogging about it right now. But the roller coaster is really just an analogy of one of my biggest life lessons thus far, which is "I AM NOT IN CONTROL".

So the lesson is that it is ok to trust the unknown because really, the only other option is to choose fear and fear has ruled me for far too long. I have given fear permission to completely control my entire being.  So yes, the first roller coaster ride was awful and I said to myself that I was done with it, but I got onto the next one, and the next one and by the last one I did not need to hold on for dear life and I threw my hands in the air, closed my eyes and enjoyed the ride, a hundred percent fully, in the now.

Here I am

I had some sort of revelation in my last post but in saying that, I was still left feeling unsure of how to start living my life, unsure of where to find this joy I so badly yearn for for.

I always thought that the next biggest shift in my life would be falling pregnant, but I have come to realise that the great shift in my life has already began.
 
I know that perhaps the time has come to be honest with myself, because If I really look at who I am right now, it is clear that I don't know myself at all. I have been feeling lost this year especially and have been pinning it down to the fact that it is because I have not been able to fall pregnant yet. But the truth is that I have felt lost my whole life...and now I want to be found. But this isn't a fairy tale and no one is going to come riding up on their horse. No, I have to be my own knight in shining armour.

To find myself I must first acknowledge how lost I have been. Not just lost in the big woods, but lost, alone, without sight, delirious, in the pouring rain kind of lost (yes that kind of dramatic) and as strange as this is going to sound, there is some kind of relief in this acknowledgement. And as lost as I have felt, I have still somehow managed to be a sounding board for other people and their problems.

Perhaps I have been surrounding myself with the wrong people. People who are completely oblivious because they are so preoccupied with themselves and with their problems. But I must take responsibility for this too, because I have a great way of  not only taking the rescuer role upon myself, I tend to self sabotage by being less than I am to make others feel better about themselves. I lower my standards so I don't step on any one else's toes.

I want my child to one day be born to a mother who can be completely in her power no matter who feels uncomfortable. If I ever have a daughter one day  I want to be able to teach her that as a woman she need not be ashamed of the power she owns, that she never has to explain herself to anybody. And as God as my witness I will make damn sure of this. But for now I need to find that within myself and I am not quite there yet.

I am not quite there emotionally, and nor am I there physically, so perhaps I am not quite ready to have a baby. So dare I say this? Maybe I choose myself for now. I choose to find the joy I seek, I choose to find my peace, freedom, and love for myself so that I can one day give that to my child. I know that right now I would not be able to do that. Right now I am living a life for other people, not for myself. Right now I am not happy with the person I see in the mirror.

I am beginning to realise that my path is different from the many other people, different from other women, but then again I am a different kind of woman. My journey is different, I have always known this, and I am going to change the world. And when I do eventually become a Mother I will be the best damn mother because I would have risen out of my ashes like the Phoenix, and I will be able to teach my child about self love, self acceptance, strength, spirituality and above all else, unconditional love, because I will finally feel that towards myself. I will be able to teach my child about the divine connection with God and the universe because I will have finally found  it within. And I won't just be a mother to child, I will be a guide in every sense of the word.

I know in the essence of my being that there is something so powerful in this lesson of trying to conceive, something powerful in all the heartache in my life thus far, more powerful than I ever imagined and it is bringing major transformation to my life. I am going from being the scared little girl who is lost in the woods to the powerful woman that I seldomly let myself be. The only difference is that I will be that powerful woman every single second of everyday.

And so the little soul will have to wait just a little while longer, and perhaps she or he has known all of this all along. If so then my child, you already know how deeply I feel for you and what a wonderful, fulfilled life I will one day be able to give you.  

And so it is.

When death brings new life

I had a difficult conversation with my Husband this evening. I told him that I needed some feedback. I wanted to know how it has been to live with me lately and I know ‘easy’ would not be the word he would use to describe it. Yes, things have just been so difficult lately, but I just know I can't carry on this way.

He was lovingly honest and every time I would respond with “I can’t believe you feel this way, he would look horrified that he may have said something to hurt me and say “wait this isn’t coming out right, let me say it better” when the truth is he could have said it in a million different ways and with a bag of sugar in his mouth and it wouldn’t have made a difference, because he was right.

He even seemed to be a bit frustrated which is a state I rarely see him in. He wants me to be happy and I actually wish that his wish would be my command. He is always so positive and he says things like what keeps him going is focusing on everything that we have. Sometimes I just want to punch him when he says things like that. Not because it’s not true but because I’m envious that he is able to be that way, even after loosing his father just a few short months ago.

It is now past mid night and I am wide awake mulling over the conversation. A part of me wants to be really mad at him so I don’t have to take any responsibility but I can’t because first of all I asked for the feedback and second of all he always lets me be me. He lets me feel my pain and always listens intently, quietly and never tells me what to do or gives me advise if I don't ask for it. But too often lately I catch him staring at me with a deep look of concern in his eyes.

I haven’t spoken about my late Father for a while now and it came up in the conversation this evening. He was a man with great potential but gave up on life at an early age. He was a brilliant, well respected Doctor but could not get past his addiction to prescription meds. He never coped very well with life’s challenges, and he never showed up to life and in the end he gave up completely. Carl Jung said it best "Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent".

So between sobs I am explaining this to my Husband and it suddenly occurs to me that that is exactly what I have been doing, my whole entire life.  I have been so unhappy  for so long and I haven’t wanted to do life, at all. I have been my father’s child. And suddenly I am looking at the look of distress on my Husband’s face and having a flash forward, imagining my own children one day having to go through what I went through, witnessing a parent just give up on life like he did, give up on his children. And then I realise something big, something huge...I realise that I do want to live life, I want to be present, and I want to experience joy and happiness. I no longer want to identify with my Father through pain. I don't know if I know how just yet and I am petrified at the thought but I am aching to.

This year has brought me to my knees. From loosing my dearest Father in law to not being able to fall pregnant I have had to re evaluate everything in my life. It was either that or live a non-existent life., which isn't living at all. I want to do things differently now, I want to move past this depression I have been in for too long. This feels like it could finally be the death of the pain in my life and the birth of joy.

And in all of this I realise that I have been missing out all this time, missing out on the happy moments because I haven’t been able to see them and I am suddenly desperate to get these 29 years back.

And then it came to me, a voice in my head.  It said; ”Perhaps it’s not a baby that you have been yearning for for sixteen months, perhaps it’s your life”.