My experience of what it means to be in a conscious relationship

It’s ok to expect things from each other, yet we seem to do this in a rather dysfunctional manner. How we communicate is everything, and in relationships we often use the phrase, ‘’you always’’, or ‘’you never’’ when our expectations have not been met. My Husband will tell you, it drives him up the wall, when I use these phrases because in fact, it is generalising, and it's giving the message that the other person has never actually been good enough for us.

What we don’t realise is that when it comes to any issue we are having with someone else; we are always bringing our baggage into it. Therefore an argument between two people is never just between two people. We bring all the stuff we learnt from our parents in terms of how they related to one another, we bring our fresh open wounds, and we bring our expectations. Expectation is probably the most fatal because we think we know what the other is going to say because we know them. We 'know' how they are going to respond in that moment and we hold that same old negative idea that they, once again will not meet our needs. Why? because our parents didn't always meet our needs so we project the same belief onto our partners. So really, they don’t stand a chance because we don't even give them the benefit of the doubt. Its a funny thing,  that when we hold a certain idea of someone they seem to live up to that expectation we have of them.

I am not just talking about romantic relationships, because all relationship dynamics are difficult, but the fact is that too many of us have never really known what it’s like to be truly vulnerable in the moment. We are so afraid of letting our defences down and getting hurt that we will literally put all our armour on and prepare for battle, and at the time we think this will protect us, but what we forget is that we are actually dealing with the person we love, not a threatening beast. Armour protects us for sure, but it also keeps the other person away. So the issue never really gets resolved because the underlying cause was not spoken about and dealt with.  When I say the underlying cause, I am talking about the wound that the other touched on, because if there wasn’t a wound, there would be no issue in the first place.

When it comes to arguments and issues, we don’t realise that often the way that the argument or fight between two people plays out is similar to the way both people watched their parents argue and before you know it the dynamic is no longer your own.  It helps to talk about one another’s pasts and what we each grew up experiencing so that we know how not to hurt each other and which buttons not to press. Then both people can acknowledge and own their own issues instead of projecting it onto the another in the hope that the other will take on all the responsibility.

How we speak to each other is also a huge deal. You know the phrase we all use (especially as women) we say ‘It’s not what you said it’s the way you said it’’.  The fact is that we talk to each other the way that we were once spoken to, but if we are not aware of it, we cannot change it and the same issues keep coming up time and time again.

I have come to realise that the word ‘’commitment’’ takes on a whole new meaning when you are fully committed to knowing one another on a deeper level and making a decision to communicate about everything, because there is no such thing as too much communication. To know one another’s pasts and pain is to truly know someone and to truly know ourselves. To really own our part in any argument creates self respect, so the commitment can evolve to a deeper level of respect for one another. If each person is willing to hold the space for the other to be who they truly are in any moment, and without judgement this creates another level of trust within the relationship. To voice that which hurts at any time, and especially within the midst of an issue means that we are being  completely authentic, and completely raw.

I know from experience that what I am talking about is probably one of the hardest things to do because even if we say we trust our loved ones and our partners, we still feel things like pride and complete trust in another is something that challenges us all. But my question then is this,  "If we  have the courage to be physically naked in front of our partners  what's stopping us from being emotionally naked too"?