My Journey in Therapy

I would say for most of my life I lived in a melancholic, depressive state of being. I was able to be happy and excited but always by things that were outside of me. And it was always short lived. But I got out of bed most mornings and put on my happy mask and did this pointless thing that I thought was my life. And this was how I did things.

I spent years going from therapist to therapist and nothing seemed to change. The topic in all of my therapy sessions was about how people in my life have let me down and how they just wouldn’t change. And when therapy got tough I got out of therapy, and fast!

It was only until I found a special woman who was different from the rest, a woman who finally helped me to face my demons and let me feel whatever I needed to feel without shame or guilt. I would describe the process I went through as going to the darkest place of myself to see what was causing this state that I was constantly finding myself in. And for two years I cried. I cried once a week, for an hour, without fail. Sometimes I knew what I was crying about, the past mainly, the traumas, and the worry about the future, but sometimes I just didn’t have a reason for crying. And as the months went by there were little snippets of hope in my heart and the emptiness that I felt inside slowly began to be filled.

I remember sitting in a restaurant one night, (and I was right in the middle of this therapy process)  and my Husband and I were having a lovely dinner and out of no- where like an emotional attack of some sort it suddenly occurred to me that no one is going to rescue me from myself, not even him. It was the most unbelievably overwhelming feeling and I just burst into tears, in public. At the time it was not a happy realisation, it was painful. I felt helpless and un- supported and un- loved and I felt that there was no way in hell I was going to be able to pull myself out of this depression I was in, all by myself. The word fear took on a whole new meaning for me and I had never felt so alone.

During this process I would constantly go back and forth between understanding that it was up to me to help myself and still desperately wanting other people to do it for me. At one point I finally felt that I was getting there and then I had to face death this year and that’s when I hit my rock bottom. I knew there was no way out this time and I went to the darkest place of myself, but I decided that I would stay there for a while.  I made that decision consciously. The strength it took to face myself, and to let myself stay in this place of despair for as long as I needed to, took all the guts I had.

I was no longer in therapy at the time and so I had to take what I was taught over the last two years in therapy and face the darkness alone. And as it does, the deaths brought up old pain of past deaths I have faced. So I cried for my father who has long been gone. I cried for my grand- father, I cried for the pregnancy I had not yet been able to have and for every loss I ever felt. And I let myself do that, while trying so hard not to judge it. I always thought that I was being so weak but I never imagined how much strength it would actually take.

My Father in law and my little dog will never know that in a way their passing saved my life. It is clear through my other entries that God and I have had a very rocky relationship. I have blamed, I have threatened ,even begged and mostly judged God for everything. I asked why my loved ones were taken from me because I just couldn’t understand and now the pieces are finally starting to come together. We never know why these things happen but you know what for me, this is why.

The miracle was that I am finally understanding that my happiness was my responsibility even if I had to deal with the sadness first. I had to do it for myself but for a long time was stuck in believing that I had no control. There are many teachings that explain that we are responsible for our lives and we are the only ones that can make ourselves happy. Honestly I never really got that until recently. I felt that because I was so unhappy I deserved to be happy and that that would come from something outside of me. But it never did.

Through the worst pain came a joy and a peace that I never knew was possible. But I am not walking on a constant happy cloud now, because there are always new hardships and challenges but I am no longer that depressed, helpless girl. And I know now that I have the strength to face anything that comes my way because if I can do what I did, I can bloody do anything.