The illusion of Motherhood

Someone asked me recently how I am finding Motherhood and I replied ‘’It’s OK ’. And I instantly felt guilty for saying that and wondered why I had responded like that. But after giving it thought I realised that Motherhood and your baby are two different things. I love my baby more than words can describe but Motherhood is challenging. I see Motherhood as being about me and my capabilities as a Mother.

From the moment I gave birth I felt like I was living with a blind fold on. OK yes I am now speaking as a mother of a 4 month old so I have had some experience but again I am in no way an expert on mothering. But here is what I do know so far. Mothering is about having to forgive yourself every day. Motherhood is about doing your best with what you know and when you know better, you do better.

You know how people talk about that motherly intuition you will have? Well at the best of times I wondered where mine was.

So why is motherhood so stressful? I feel it’s because we are told to take care of our children in a certain way. These baby experts say that there is no one set of rules for a baby as each baby is different but then at the same token by a certain age you should be following a certain set of rules and guidelines again set by these “baby experts”.

Motherhood is based around FEAR.

There are thousands of books that speak about routine, breastfeeding, stimulation, bedtime, nap time, formula, bottles and the list goes on to immediately a woman goes into survival mode and that in order to be a good mother she needs to be able to do all the things the books/people say she should. And yes, at the beginning it is like that, you are trying to keep your baby alive. But how much easier would it be if we actually told ourselves that we are more than good enough. But there is this thing we call ‘’Mommy Guilt’’ that is constantly there. Why? Because society values the Super Mom. What are super moms? Woman that work and manage to take care of their children, and still smile about it all. There is this stereotype about how a mom should be. She should be able to give natural birth, breastfeed her baby, get a baby into a routine, have a job too (because otherwise she is seen as doing nothing) and again still smile about it all. Women have to try be perfect and lead “balanced lives”.

And what’s more surprising is that it is mothers who are teaching other mothers this. Mothers that also feel insecure and not good enough but never speak about it. Mothers are portraying a sense of everything is perfect when it’s not. I remember talking to a friend once about the struggles I was facing and her response was ''but you do like being a Mom right?" And this is the illusion. 

So where are the books about how to bond with your baby, How to trust or develop your Motherly intuition or How to love yourself as a mother?

We live in a society where woman are not going by their intuition or are in their own power when it comes to the process of birth or Motherhood. Take this country for example; suddenly there is an epidemic of babies with ‘’large heads’’ because that is what doctors are telling women to turn them off having natural birth. For a woman to have fear around birth is perfectly normal  but Doctors don’t seem to support natural birth because it’s an inconvenience and so woman are not supported in this decision and are robbed of the experience. When a woman goes into labour and her surroundings and the people around her are not supportive of her birthing process she will not dilate and she won’t be able to give birth. Studies show that any kind of stress during labour hinders the process.

I am not pro natural birth, I am pro women being able to make their own decisions and not be led by other people’s fears and opinions. If a woman decides that a selective C- section is best for her for example, then that too is fine as long as she is confident in her decision and has not been intimidated to make that decision.

There is very little support for women so that they can be empowered and be the mothers they want to be. But what there is, is constant fear, guilt and exhaustion. And so children grow up with Mothers like this. I did. Unsupported, disempowered women who are led my fear because they have not been told that they are allowed to make the decisions, call the shots and trust themselves on any decisions they make.

The first week of motherhood was a shock to me. I struggled for six weeks to breastfeed and eventually gave up; it was heart-breaking, because I wanted to have that experience but also because it’s drummed into woman’s heads that “breast is best”! So when you faced with a baby that doesn't want to breastfeed then does that mean you are not giving them the best? At the time there was no one telling me it was OK and that I was still a good mother. In fact I had people and doctors giving me dirty looks when I mentioned I was bottle feeding.  And at the same token I was seen as better over a woman who had a C- section. It’s ludicrous. Not to mention that from personal experience its male doctors that seem to have the most opinions on breastfeeding and natural birth yet they are the ones that don’t actually know how to give women the support and courage they need for both of these processes.

So after weeks of stress and tears I eventually decided that I had two choices, stay stressed and go with the nonsense that society puts on women and keep taking that on or decide that I was going to do it my way. But I experienced a lot of judgement from people when I said I was treating my baby homoeopathically for example and I was laughed at by a Doctor when I said I think my child is lactose intolerant and he should go on Soya for example. I was told I was crazy to not give my child drugs at the age of 3 months. It took everything for me to stand by my decision and go against the "professionals’’ and now after sticking to my guns, I finally have a pain free, reflux free, colic free baby.

As a woman standing your ground and doing things differently in an industry that is extremely opinionated (the baby industry I will call it) is extremely difficult. Society is full of illusion and masks that people wear. And we compare ourselves to others but what we are comparing ourselves to is not the reality.

My reality is that there were some days when I hated being a mother. I have sent my Husband messages saying that it isn't for me and I can’t do it anymore. He never judged me for it and he just tried to convince me that I was doing my best.  

So where am I now? Well I have stopped being so focused on things like routines, schedules and stimulation and whatever else I am supposed to be doing and have decided to just spend time with my child. Doing that has helped me to be less stressed and reminded me of the beauty and unbelievable sacredness that is a bond between mother and child and why I had him in the first place.

It’s amazing how differently he behaves when I am calm and we are together and I am holding him and loving him. He has this expression like all is right in the world. And all is right in the world because he needs it, because he needs to understand that there is no limit to how much love and affection I can give him. There is no limit to how much love he deserves.

We are living in a world where people have very little self-esteem and so placing rules, regiments and conditions on our babies and children is where it all begins. Humans crave love and affection  as it’s a basic human need and for some reason we are saying no to our children already? What does this say about society? I have heard women saying things like don’t carry your baby too much because you spoil them. No! When you attend to your babies every need all of the time, you send the message that they can trust you, that their needs are valid and that as a parent you are reliable. And yes that does come at a sacrifice to the parent but it’s also about how you look at it. 

Everything is about teaching a child that we honour and value them from an early age instead pushing them. Think of the pressure we as adults feels in life in general. Why wouldn't we want to shelter our children from that for as long as possible? And yes there will be those times that children will have to learn independence etc., but that is not what my post is about today.

The purpose of my post is to remind ourselves of why have babies. You know the saying love makes the world go around? It’s not corny it’s the truth. The world is filled with love starved people who are looking for acknowledgement and it starts with our children.

So back to why do we have children? Personally one of the reasons I had a baby because I wanted the privilege of raising a child. I don’t think there is a greater privilege but also I wasn't a happy child growing up and I wanted to do it differently for my child. But with that comes the greatest of challenges because it has tested my own self esteem more than ever and every day I have to work through my own insecurities. 

Some days I feel like I am the worst mother in the world and some days I feel like I am a pro! And that’s how it goes.  

Perhaps it’s also about one’s attitude towards motherhood. Because the fact is its beyond tiring and you often have no time for yourself but I can imagine when you look at your child one day who is happy and healthy and confident you can say that you did that. And no one else may know or see it but you will know that in this life you taught another human being to trust and love and be happy with who they are.

So forgive yourself every day because you are human and mothers are not know it all’s. And yes, you may spend hours rocking and holding and soothing till you are blue in the face and it may look like nothing comes from it but in that we are teaching our babies that their needs are valid, that their needs are attended to and that it’s OK to have needs.

So to end off, this is is what my baby boy has taught me about love and why having a child is the biggest privilege, a privilege that supersedes the sacrifice...

Love is when your baby needs constant love and affection, so you learn that you have the ability to give it 24 hours 7 days a week. You learn that there is no limit to how much love you are able to give and how much love you receive.

Love is when your anger and frustration dissipates quicker than you have ever let go of anger and frustration because that kind of love gets into those little cracks.

Love is when you look at your baby and you see yourself and you have to love yourself through your child.

Love is when your baby has felt you at your absolute worst but still wants to be with you 24 hours a day seven days a week, unconditionally no matter what.

Love is when accepting your child for all that they are in the hardest moments requires you to know how to do that for yourself because love for your child requires a love for oneself.

Love is when you didn't know how much your heart could stretch and how much love you were actually capable of giving and you realise that just because of that, you are a wonderful Mother.

Love is when you weren't sure if God existed and then your child was born.

Now that’s a privilege.