Here I am

I had some sort of revelation in my last post but in saying that, I was still left feeling unsure of how to start living my life, unsure of where to find this joy I so badly yearn for for.

I always thought that the next biggest shift in my life would be falling pregnant, but I have come to realise that the great shift in my life has already began.
 
I know that perhaps the time has come to be honest with myself, because If I really look at who I am right now, it is clear that I don't know myself at all. I have been feeling lost this year especially and have been pinning it down to the fact that it is because I have not been able to fall pregnant yet. But the truth is that I have felt lost my whole life...and now I want to be found. But this isn't a fairy tale and no one is going to come riding up on their horse. No, I have to be my own knight in shining armour.

To find myself I must first acknowledge how lost I have been. Not just lost in the big woods, but lost, alone, without sight, delirious, in the pouring rain kind of lost (yes that kind of dramatic) and as strange as this is going to sound, there is some kind of relief in this acknowledgement. And as lost as I have felt, I have still somehow managed to be a sounding board for other people and their problems.

Perhaps I have been surrounding myself with the wrong people. People who are completely oblivious because they are so preoccupied with themselves and with their problems. But I must take responsibility for this too, because I have a great way of  not only taking the rescuer role upon myself, I tend to self sabotage by being less than I am to make others feel better about themselves. I lower my standards so I don't step on any one else's toes.

I want my child to one day be born to a mother who can be completely in her power no matter who feels uncomfortable. If I ever have a daughter one day  I want to be able to teach her that as a woman she need not be ashamed of the power she owns, that she never has to explain herself to anybody. And as God as my witness I will make damn sure of this. But for now I need to find that within myself and I am not quite there yet.

I am not quite there emotionally, and nor am I there physically, so perhaps I am not quite ready to have a baby. So dare I say this? Maybe I choose myself for now. I choose to find the joy I seek, I choose to find my peace, freedom, and love for myself so that I can one day give that to my child. I know that right now I would not be able to do that. Right now I am living a life for other people, not for myself. Right now I am not happy with the person I see in the mirror.

I am beginning to realise that my path is different from the many other people, different from other women, but then again I am a different kind of woman. My journey is different, I have always known this, and I am going to change the world. And when I do eventually become a Mother I will be the best damn mother because I would have risen out of my ashes like the Phoenix, and I will be able to teach my child about self love, self acceptance, strength, spirituality and above all else, unconditional love, because I will finally feel that towards myself. I will be able to teach my child about the divine connection with God and the universe because I will have finally found  it within. And I won't just be a mother to child, I will be a guide in every sense of the word.

I know in the essence of my being that there is something so powerful in this lesson of trying to conceive, something powerful in all the heartache in my life thus far, more powerful than I ever imagined and it is bringing major transformation to my life. I am going from being the scared little girl who is lost in the woods to the powerful woman that I seldomly let myself be. The only difference is that I will be that powerful woman every single second of everyday.

And so the little soul will have to wait just a little while longer, and perhaps she or he has known all of this all along. If so then my child, you already know how deeply I feel for you and what a wonderful, fulfilled life I will one day be able to give you.  

And so it is.