It was that last roller coaster ride

Its been a week unlike any other and the smallest things have turned out to be the biggest.

My Husband started singing to himself again. I really can't remember the last time he just hummed a tune to himself, at least not since his Father's cancer diagnosis. In fact, he took it to another level and was singing at the top of his lungs in the car today. I always joke with him about his voice, but today it was just music to my ears because to me it was the sound of happiness. And at the dinner table this week, where there were just moments when he would be smiling to himself and when I eventually asked him what he was smiling about he looked at me and said "I am just really enjoying this dinner''.

Or when I catch him looking at me with that old familiar (or perhaps new found) sparkle in his eyes and there is that quiet, unspoken language between us that says ''maybe the dark days are coming to an end, maybe our time has finally arrived''.

To be frank, I have always struggled with the concept of "living in the now", but I am starting to get it, because I have realised it is all we have, or rather, it is all I have. This week being in the now was about the little things like drinking a cup of tea, or watching my dogs play together. It was in those moments that I noticed that when I can truly be in the present moment, my anxiety dissipates, my worries seem to disappear and even my health issues seem conquerable.

Today, my Husband and I decided to let our inner children come out to play and so we took a trip to the theme park. We rode roller coasters, screamed our heads off (I might have shed a tear or two out of pure fear) and laughed, laughed loudly.

I must say, as a child, I was fearless and I didn't think twice before getting onto any kind of roller coaster ride but today I was terrified. I was terrified that the "life threatening" roller coaster would break at the hinges because I was getting on it. Its my same old thought pattern; 'something bad is definitely going to happen to me'. Well it obviously did not because I am sitting in the comfort of my home blogging about it right now. But the roller coaster is really just an analogy of one of my biggest life lessons thus far, which is "I AM NOT IN CONTROL".

So the lesson is that it is ok to trust the unknown because really, the only other option is to choose fear and fear has ruled me for far too long. I have given fear permission to completely control my entire being.  So yes, the first roller coaster ride was awful and I said to myself that I was done with it, but I got onto the next one, and the next one and by the last one I did not need to hold on for dear life and I threw my hands in the air, closed my eyes and enjoyed the ride, a hundred percent fully, in the now.